Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving the beginning...

      So today is Thanksgiving one of my favorite AND least favorite days of the year. Why is it one of my favorites? kind of obvious actually, a paid day off in the middle of the week, lots of food, football, beer and for me the one day a year I indulge in pecan pie. In fact Thanksgiving is one of only three holidays I personally celebrate along with Halloween and Super Bowl Sunday. For those of you that just said Super Bowl Sunday isn't a holiday...You're wrong! but I'll get into that in a couple months when it's relevant.
      As to why it's one of my least favorite days...where to start? did you know that 66% of families fight when they get together on Thanksgiving? Unfortunately I didn't make that number up. No normal person REALLY wants to get together with their extended family we do it out of tradition and some twisted sense of obligation that says we must get together with creepy Uncle John and our never pleased in-laws and our psychotic parents. Not to mention all those people around me mean that I can't concentrate on the damn games, trust me I'm way more interested in them than I am Aunt Mary's hip. Oh and if Thanksgiving is at your house then so is the mess.
      But the biggest reason I Don't like thanksgiving is because it officially signals the beginning of the Holiday Season. Oh god the ridiculous shoppers, the terrible music, the fake kindness, the HORRIBLE "Very Special Episode of..." The annoying bells every damn time I walk into a store seriously all I want for Christmas is an AR-15 assault rifle (fortunately there is a pink Hello Kitty version now. I kid you not.)
      To all you sadists who get up at 3am to stand in line on Black Friday with a thousand others to save $10 on a Barbie Doll or get little johnny that new gadget he so desperately wants I only have one question...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? If you are so strapped for money that you are willing to face Black Friday shopping to save a few bucks I have some advice for you BUY LESS! I've worked Black Friday sales and watched them from a safe distance and I'm here to tell you this is the circle of Hell that even Dante was scared to tell you about.
      Christmas music is tortuous it's like listening the death cry of a hundred brown bats as they are burned to death by an exploding Santa decoration (Sorry about that by the way, I was aiming for Rudolph).
      I get so very sick of hearing about being kind to each other because it's the Holiday season. Seriously? you idiots all need a special month as an excuse to be nice? If you can't treat each other decent all the time then don't fake it, it's just sad really.
       And OH...MY...GOD what they do to TV during the month leading up to Christmas is the true reason there are so many suicides this time of year. Every show that has ever existed has done a Christmas episode ripping off  "A Christmas Carol" You know what I'm with Scrooge Bah Humbug. If it isn't Charles Dicken's being ripped off it's an episode where someone learns the true meaning of...BULLSHIT!. You know what is learned in these episodes? how to be a talentless hack writer who's ripping off every piece of literature ever written. They can get away with it though because most people will never know since they're too busy frying their brain with other hack writers like Stephanie Meyer. Isn't is bad enough we are force fed Miracle on 34th street and It's a wonderful life every year, for god sakes George just jump and save us all the repetitive heavy handed lessons.
       Now I'm all for helping people who need it, and now more than ever people need your generosity. I mean helping the people who really need help and not the people who keep having kids to milk the welfare system then bull up at the food bank in their Escalade with custom rims. I have no problem with a little charity in fact I encourage as we give ourselves to breast cancer charities as well as different child and animal causes. The difference is once again we don't wait until a certain month of the year to decide people need help people struggle 12 months a year not just December.
        What makes this even worse is the damn ringing bells at every single entrance to every single store in the country. I knew this was out of hand when I saw the chick in the fish nets ringing in front of the adult book store (yes I put money in...what I'm not heartless). I just get the feeling that I'm supposed to put money in every one of those red pots or these bell ringers are giving me the stink eye behind my back.
        So as I sit here writing this Thanksgiving day is coming to an end and the holiday season begins, and it begins not with a song, not with a miracle, but with a door buster sale at Walmart. Merry Christmas to all and to all a sad shake of the head.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The homework problem continued.

     I recently did a post about my young son's eternal quest to find the perfect homework dodge. Even as I sit and write this my son is finding every excuse to ignore my orders to do his homework, and so it goes most days until I get loud, and speaking of that I'll be right back I need to go "Get Loud".
      Ok, I'm back, and predictably his response was to tell me I didn't need to yell, but we all know that's not true, besides I like yelling, I'm good at it, it's the only thing I learned from my mother.
      The other day though I got distracted and forgot to follow up with him, I did not remember to check his homework until it was time for bed. This is when I informed him that if his homework wasn't done he was grounded the following day.
       My son began to protest and argue and stomp, in other words throw a hissy fit. At this point I didn't need to check his homework because it was obviously not done. I then told him "I told you to do your homework and you didn't listen, so if it's not done you're grounded."
      Little one then proceeded to argue with me.
"No, you never told me to do my homework."
"First, I shouldn't have to tell you every day, second, Yes I did tell you."
"No, you didn't tell me."
"Yes, I did tell you and you know it."
"No, you didn't, well...just once or twice."
D'OH