The homework problem

      I'm sure we are not the only parents who battle with their children about getting homework finished. With both our boys I've noticed that it starts out fairly straight forward the first couple years. A simple reminder and a firm directive seem to do the trick.
      The problems arise shortly after second grade when children learn subversive tactics and anti-parent counter measures. I was not aware that 3rd grade had become spy school but apparently things have changed since I attended. Now that my youngest is in fifth grade he has become fully versed in the home work dodge, he has not yet achieved the legendary skills his big brother had at getting out of homework (or any work for that matter), but he is well on his way.
      The little one has progressed well beyond the simple lie and the changing of homework related documentation; i.e. erasing homework from his agenda. He has also mastered the "Tom Sawyer" which in this case is tricking others into doing pieces of his homework for him. Even though we are aware of this he still catches us off guard occasionally. This is most often used when working on his weekly spelling words and definitions that require sentences as well.
      Apparently my son had lost all grip of the alphabet because every other spelling word on his list was "Not in this stupid dictionary." Which would result in us finding it right where it was supposed to be in less than five seconds. Needless to say I wasn't buying the fake expression of surprise on his face or the insincere "Wow, how did you do that, I looked everywhere." Well there is your problem boy, you should be looking for the word "dew" under the letter D not everywhere.
      Finally fed up with this game I created a game of my own. If he could not find a word in the dictionary but I did find it then he had to stand in the corner and count to one hundred. Yes my child, by ones, not by fives or tens. I can't believe he tried that one, wait actually yes I can. The one caveat to this would be if he could not find the word and when I looked it actually wasn't in "His stupid dictionary" then he could make ME stand in the corner. My son's eyes widened, a devious smile spread across his face and he rubbed his hands together like a Bond villain. Seriously what the hell are they teaching him at this school. Needless to say my evil little spawn was excited at the thought of putting dad into a corner. Well, I'm here to tell you nobody puts daddy in a corner. Ok, even I can't believe I said that.
      His first attempt failed miserably as I found the word he couldn't, his second and third attempt failed as well, so I'd find the word and send him to the corner to count. Frustration set in and he began getting upset at not getting a chance to win this game. I was just a little proud and cocky and even having a little fun with him until I saw the sly smile on his face as he walked away. That's when I realized the little bastard still had me doing his homework.

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Playing the blame game.

    In the 1950's comic books were demonized and considered a corrupting influence on our children. With a little bit of perspective and time we now see how ludicrous that seems. In the 60's it was The Beatles and that new fangled rock n roll that was going to destroy our children, that thought is now laughable. Then came the awesome destructive power of rolling dice while nerds pretended to be wizards and elfs, as it turns out the only terrible thing that Dungeons and Dragons taught you was...math...ooooooh.
      In the 80's the evil of rock and roll reared it's ugly head again as Ozzy and Motley Crue were going to steal children's souls and feed them to Satan. Well, now Ozzy is a reality show star who reminds us more of our grandpa than anything evil and Motley Crue is now played on those workplace safe radio stations. So once again these panic mongers look silly.
      The new "Ultimate Evil" in the world is video games.That's right Pac-Man and Space Invaders have mutated into an evil force that can turn your children into trained murderers....ummm...BULLSHIT!
      I want you to think about this for a second, we now live in a world where toy guns are all but banned, video game shooters are under fire for teaching our kids to kill, but these same people are handing their children REAL guns and screaming about their right to bear arms and kill fuzzy creatures with automatic weapons...am I missing something? Down with pretend violence, use real bullets instead. Is that the thinking now?
      I won't debate your constitutional rights to bear arms, I'm more concerned over the condemnation of video games and the constitutional rights of gamers. To start with I want to make this very clear, their has NEVER been any non-biased psychological or scientific proof that video games have ANY effect on children with one exception it's proven to improve hand to eye co-ordination to the point where prolific gamers are considered some of the best options to be fighter pilots.
      Video games as protected speech is under fire in an upcoming court case in California that could effect every type of free speech we now enjoy or any case that comes in the future, and as adults that should scare the hell out of you. The movie and music industry are allowed to govern themselves with stickers and ratings systems, but the video game industry who has the easiest to understand rating system is being attacked. Movies, music, books, even XXX movies are considered free speech but video games could soon be the first exception to that constitutional right. If that happens what will be next? Or should I say what WON'T be next? What will be left when people are done hating? I don't want to discuss the legal issues but the practical ones.
      Video games, like all the condemned things before them are a victim of ignorance. When people don't truly understand something their first instinct is to kill it, destroy it, make it go away so they are comfortable again. Having an open mind and wanting to educate yourself is a great cure for these fears, please keep this in mind when electing your politicians, because they more than anyone feed on your fears.
      I have been playing video games regularly since Pong. My brothers and my sons have been playing video games ALL their life. Not one of us has a violence issue, or have ever been arrested. If you want to know who is to blame for a child's behavior, first look at the child, there comes a point when a child is responsible for their decisions and knows right from wrong. No heavy metal song or video game can make a child do something they wouldn't do anyway. Even under hypnosis you won't do something that goes against your nature or beliefs, so I'm pretty sure Call of Duty won't magically turn your kid into something he's not.
      Second parents, blame yourself, that's right: "OMG, I can't believe it as a parent, you mean I am responsible for my child?" That's right you are. Now I understand that getting your child off the video games and making him do his chores, go out and play baseball or whatever is a legit problem, BUT that is not their problem it's yours. You set the rules, you let them spend eight hours a day online, if they're addicted blame the fact that you were too busy to monitor and structure their activities not the kid who's doing something he loves and wants to keep having fun, what do you think a child is going to do.
      Yes, video gaming can be addictive in a sense, because it's enjoyable, of course people want to keep doing things they enjoy. Another reason video gaming is addicting is because of the instant reward aspects and sense of accomplishment. It's an instant ego boost to those who are sometimes most in need of it. The popping of an Xbox achievement, the opening of a new weapon or outfit, it's instant gratification and reward which everyone loves. As parents it's your responsibility to monitor your child and tell them when enough is enough BEFORE it's out of hand and maybe get your kids involved in something else that gives them a sense of achievement. My boys are very proud of all their soccer trophies and the effort they put into getting them. If you find something else children can do to give them a sense of true achievement as well as physical and mental reward then video games will pale in comparison and be a hobby as intended instead of a lifestyle. As adults you should already know when to say enough for yourself, and if you don't it's not the game's fault it's yours.
       Also parent's should be aware that there are very few stores ( I have yet to see one) who will sell mature video games to children under 17 and they do check ID's. So if your children have these $60 video games someone (maybe you) bought them for them. It's your job to take the 5 whole minutes it will take to research a game or call a Game Stop and ask why it's rated the way it is before you say yes or even no to the new game that junior wants.
      While video games might be able to teach your child some of the tactics they use in police forces and military units to help keep them alive in horrible circumstances, they can not teach your child to be a murderer pressing a button and pulling a trigger are worlds apart, video games do not truly translate to real life and if you don't believe me and want see for yourself take that nine year old kid firing an M16 in a Battlefield game to a firing range, put a real M16 in their hands and see the difference, but you'll never be prepared for what you learn on that day, and don't say I didn't warn you.

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Instruction Set #4: Brushing Your Teeth.

      As parents one of the most daunting tasks we will face is getting our children to brush their teeth, well that and getting them to listen when we talk, clean their room, eat their vegetables (or anything that isn't pizza or Mac and Cheese), tell the truth, do their homework, go to bed on time, do their chores...wait why do we do this parent thing? Oh yeah the joy of parent hood...or the condom broke.
      I'm not sure why kids refuse to brush their teeth, the only theory I've come up with involves some malicious plot by the tooth fairy's evil brother Chad and the American Dental Association using subliminal adverting during cartoons to get kids to not brush so their teeth will rot then have to go to the dentist to get them pulled instead of putting healthy teeth under their pillow thereby subverting the economy of fairy land while making a profit for themselves, but it's only a theory. It's either that or kids are lazy you can decide for yourself.
       Seeing that I am going through this yet again here is a little guide to help children and their parents with the whole teeth brushing ordeal.

1) When we say you must brush at least twice that means a twice a DAY not just twice ever.
2) You must use a tooth brush, water AND toothpaste
3) It's called brushing your teeth not TOOTH they all need to be done not just that one. Remember kids you have back teeth as well....on both sides...top AND bottom.
4) The amount of toothpaste squeezed onto and into the sink should not exceed the amount you actually used to brush your teeth.
5) When brushing your teeth stay in the bathroom and over the sink, leaving a toothpaste and drool trail through the house because you went wandering just makes me wonder if the dog is having seizures.
6) When you spit, do it INTO the sink, and when you inevitably miss feel free to clean it up. Clean it off the sink, the mirror, the floor and anywhere else you managed to get it. Seriously boy this isn't something as complicated as hitting the toilet bowl when you pee, but that's a different lesson.
7) Wash the toothpaste off your face with water DO NOT wipe it onto the clean towel.
8) As parents you need to understand if you're not watching your child brush there is a series of "tricks" your children will employ and you should be aware of these shenanigans and their progression as well as the counter tactics both sides use.
    A) First comes the simple lie "I did brush my teeth"
          The Counter: " I never heard the water running"
    B) Now the child employs the: Stand there while running the water trick.
           The Counter: "Why is your toothbrush dry?"
    C) The next obvious stage is to actually wet the toothbrush with the running water.
          The Counter: "If you brushed your teeth why don't you smell like toothpaste?"
    D) The child now realizes that toothpaste must enter the mouth, so he/she with put some on their finger and essentially eat it while running the water.
           The Counter: You notice that despite smelling of toothpaste their is a chunk of Oreo cookie stuck in their front teeth.
     E) The child is now aware that you are paying attention and uses the 2 second front teeth brush. Giving up the pretense of an extended fake out session they instead spend mere seconds brushing the teeth you will see.
            The Counter: "You couldn't have possibly brushed your teeth that quick"
     F) Now depending on the sophistication of your child this is where the trickery could split off into any number of complicated variations and combination of the above list. All of which take way more effort and time than actually just brushing their teeth and getting it over with.
             The Counter: Give it up. Just stand there and watch your child brush, face it they have more energy and patience than us.
       Now finally I would like to say to all you adults out there don't forget to brush your own teeth. I'm not particularly concerned with your oral hygiene. What does concern me is trying not to gag when you begin talking to me. This goes double for you smokers. You may think you don't stink, but you do, we just wait until you leave the room to talk about it, trust me it's true.

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The old grey stallion ain't what he used to be.

      The fact that my birthday and my youngest son's birthday are only four days apart gives me a little perspective on the whole birthday "thing". Our birthdays just passed this week and our attitudes about them could not have been more different.
      To start with how we calculate our age is very different. My son is leaving the stage where you calculate age in fractions and entering the stage where you just skip to the next number entirely. I always thought the fraction stage was good for the math skills. "I'm 6 and a half, I'm 7 and three quarters, I'm 8 and 72/156th I'm 9 4/23 to the third power divided by pi". At some point I'm sure my son's age calculations were based in string theory.
       The next stage is jumping to the next age, skipping months of his life entirely.
"I'm eleven years old." 
"No your not."
"Well, almost"
"No, you turned 10 last Saturday."
      At some point you hit the stage when your happy with the age you are, this seems to be particularly true when you're 21.
      This is followed in turn by the time in your life when you are a certain age till the last possible second.
"so you're 28 now?"
"No! I'm 27!"
"Isn't today your birthday?"
"yes but I Wasn't born until 7:06 pm, Don't make me older than I am."
      Quickly following that is the stage where you nearly stop aging entirely and spend at least 5 years at 29 years old, and another 5 years at 39.
      Finally you get to the point where you stop caring and realize you've earned all those years and are comfortable with it. Unfortunately this doesn't last long enough because the next stage is the one where you can't remember how old you are and don't really care, and dammit I told you kids to get the hell off of my lawn.
      How you perceive aging on your birthday is hardly the most significant difference as you get older though, how you celebrate your special day changes drastically through the years for most of us.
       It starts with the family fawning over you as yo go through the toddler years until they get bored and just start sending cards and excuses, followed by the childhood birthdays with super heroes and the latest Disney "thing" decorating your house and the crash, bang, boom of sugar-high ten years old's wrecking your house. Which is by the way MUCH different from your twenties when the crash, bang, boom is booze addled numb-skulls wrecking your house.
      Our little one was overjoyed at the Spider-man and Iron Man decorations, having friends over, getting some cake and ice cream and of course the presents. I'm still confused about the whole giving presents thing though. Why do you get presents just because you were born? Shouldn't you give the presents to your parents as a gift for bringing you into the world? That just makes more sense to me but whatever.
       My birthday only a few days later was much different, I spent it shoe shopping for my son while coughing up a lung from a cold that won't leave and stressing about having to go in for an MRI the following morning. The previous year I spent my birthday in a high school office listening to an over protective, over involved, psycho parent make my son miserable, and the year before that I spent at home dealing with the effects of have my car totaled by a drunk driver. Not the best record lately and definitely different from the birthday that came after my own childhood Spider-man birthdays.
       After the kiddie parties come the coming of age, boy/girl parties that involve awkward conversation and spin the bottle games. My 14th birthday involved an epic food fight that had me scrubbing walls the entire next day. (Thanks again for that Mike G where ever you are, I was picking peperoni and cake out of various places for days).
      Into the twenties come the aforementioned drunken bashes that involve random hook-ups, girls who can't hold their liquor or find some articles of clothing and people who pass out...everywhere, in a related note I would like to sincerely apologize to the Rochester fire department as well as the neighbors across the street who just gave up and moved.
      If my older son is reading this, umm no I'm not talking about me, my friends and I had civilized gatherings involving tea and cookies and in depth discussions of Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil. There was not copious amounts of alcohol, sex, strippers or firemen  If any of my friends are reading this SHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
       When you get a little older and settle down the celebrations usually do as well. They go to smaller gatherings, then just you and the wife and extra special bonus birthday sex, and then its the wife and kids with those great home made cards.
      Finally it seems that birthdays become a reminder to call your doctor for another test that needs to be scheduled. That is of course unless you can make it to your 100th, then someone will remember to throw a party for you again. Of course those are similar to the infant parties you started out with, condescending relatives, no teeth to eat your cake with, and needing a diaper change and a nap half way through...I'm looking forward to it.

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