Summertime Where the living is...HELL

      I know I may be in the minority when I say this but, I am so glad summer is on it's way out. Every year that passes I hate summer more and I am more giddy at the thought of September's arrival. I am completely mystified by leather-skinned sun worshipers and their summer loving kin.
      Let's start with the obvious; the heat. Nothing is more miserable than struggling through months of oppressive heat and humidity. For me oppressive heat starts when it gets above 70 degrees, and by the time it's in the high nineties every living creature within a hundred yard radius of me are in immediate danger of me turning into Tony Montana, bad Cuban accent and all.
      One of the retorts I've heard to my complaints about summer is "...But Paul, all these hot woman are running around in skimpy outfits." Yeah and...that's great and all, but the last thing I am thinking about when it's 95 degrees is sex in any form. I'm sorry but putting another 98 degree body against my own while small furry animals are bursting into flame around me is not appealing. Add physical exertion, friction and sweat and there's a good chance that someone will die horribly. When It's hot I don't want to be touched, I don't want to spoon, I don't want to cuddle on the couch I don't want to even see another human.
      Oh and hey all you who are defending summer and yelling at me to just get an air conditioner...shut up! You're telling me how much you love summer but you deal with it by creating artificial 65 degree environment, think about it.
      Work sucks during the summer because for 3 months half your work force is on vacation at any given time and those left behind are asked to pick up the slack while they're away, then when they come back you have to look at their stupid vacation photos and listen to their stories...We don't care!
       Then it gets to be your turn to go on vacation...Yeah! do you know what the best and most relaxing part of a vacation is? Getting home. Seriously Strange beds, hours in a car or a plane, airports, gas stations restaurants, schedules, itineraries, luggage, hotels, weird strangers packed into tourist traps, unfamiliar roads and traffic issues, sand in your underwear and god forbid you have kids to take, ARGH! it's terrible.
      How about road work? Nothing beats sitting in a sweltering car with the sun beating down on you when you're running late and the kids are complaining. Meanwhile dirty guys in orange vests are standing 6 inches from your car smelling like wet garbage making you wait while the equally wonderful smells of hot tar and diesel fuel add to the joy.
      During the summer crime rates soar and so does the number of assholes. Have you ever been woke up at 3 AM from some inconsiderate jackass blasting his car stereo or unsupervised teenagers running the streets so bad parents don't have to deal with them. How about putting up with loud obnoxious parties with losers who can't handle their booze, have lousy taste in music and who think it's ok to scream obscenities at the top of their lungs.
      Once summer ends sports gets good. Finally football is back, college and pro, followed by hockey and basketball. After having to put up with boring, slow baseball all summer we get real sports again, and even baseball finally gets a little interesting when it finally gets to the playoffs. Thank god football is back.
      After watching reruns and fill in shows all summer, the fall finally brings back real TV. I know nobody out there watches TV you're all marathon running, orchestra conducting, classics reading, Frasier wannabe's right? I call bullcrap. I like to wind down at night to some good TV and the fact that U.S. homes average more than two TV's says so do you.
      If you're a gamer you know the summer is a long dry spell of nothing, and as soon as fall hits so do all the great games. If you want to run to the video store and grab a new DVD your out of luck since nothing comes out but straight to video garbage. For me I used to love the summer blockbuster movie season but in the last few years even that has become a giant garbage heap where you're very lucky to find one or two things worth spending $15 a ticket for.
     For me "The good life" begins begins in September. I can spend the weekends with friends and family drinking a few beers comfortably watching a good game. I can drink milk again. I can smile at the return of my favorite shows or play a new game without worrying about my console or computer overheating or me sticking to a chair. I can rent a movie from the newly stocked shelves or I can just pull up a blanket and get comfortable in my chair with a good book and a coffee, tea or hot chocolate, and best of all I can joyfully cuddle with my wife without feeling like I'm trying to make Sarcastic Dad soup. But beyond it all, the greatest thing in the world about the end of summer is the fact that my kids go back to school.
     

    

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