Instruction Set #4: Brushing Your Teeth.

      As parents one of the most daunting tasks we will face is getting our children to brush their teeth, well that and getting them to listen when we talk, clean their room, eat their vegetables (or anything that isn't pizza or Mac and Cheese), tell the truth, do their homework, go to bed on time, do their chores...wait why do we do this parent thing? Oh yeah the joy of parent hood...or the condom broke.
      I'm not sure why kids refuse to brush their teeth, the only theory I've come up with involves some malicious plot by the tooth fairy's evil brother Chad and the American Dental Association using subliminal adverting during cartoons to get kids to not brush so their teeth will rot then have to go to the dentist to get them pulled instead of putting healthy teeth under their pillow thereby subverting the economy of fairy land while making a profit for themselves, but it's only a theory. It's either that or kids are lazy you can decide for yourself.
       Seeing that I am going through this yet again here is a little guide to help children and their parents with the whole teeth brushing ordeal.

1) When we say you must brush at least twice that means a twice a DAY not just twice ever.
2) You must use a tooth brush, water AND toothpaste
3) It's called brushing your teeth not TOOTH they all need to be done not just that one. Remember kids you have back teeth as well....on both sides...top AND bottom.
4) The amount of toothpaste squeezed onto and into the sink should not exceed the amount you actually used to brush your teeth.
5) When brushing your teeth stay in the bathroom and over the sink, leaving a toothpaste and drool trail through the house because you went wandering just makes me wonder if the dog is having seizures.
6) When you spit, do it INTO the sink, and when you inevitably miss feel free to clean it up. Clean it off the sink, the mirror, the floor and anywhere else you managed to get it. Seriously boy this isn't something as complicated as hitting the toilet bowl when you pee, but that's a different lesson.
7) Wash the toothpaste off your face with water DO NOT wipe it onto the clean towel.
8) As parents you need to understand if you're not watching your child brush there is a series of "tricks" your children will employ and you should be aware of these shenanigans and their progression as well as the counter tactics both sides use.
    A) First comes the simple lie "I did brush my teeth"
          The Counter: " I never heard the water running"
    B) Now the child employs the: Stand there while running the water trick.
           The Counter: "Why is your toothbrush dry?"
    C) The next obvious stage is to actually wet the toothbrush with the running water.
          The Counter: "If you brushed your teeth why don't you smell like toothpaste?"
    D) The child now realizes that toothpaste must enter the mouth, so he/she with put some on their finger and essentially eat it while running the water.
           The Counter: You notice that despite smelling of toothpaste their is a chunk of Oreo cookie stuck in their front teeth.
     E) The child is now aware that you are paying attention and uses the 2 second front teeth brush. Giving up the pretense of an extended fake out session they instead spend mere seconds brushing the teeth you will see.
            The Counter: "You couldn't have possibly brushed your teeth that quick"
     F) Now depending on the sophistication of your child this is where the trickery could split off into any number of complicated variations and combination of the above list. All of which take way more effort and time than actually just brushing their teeth and getting it over with.
             The Counter: Give it up. Just stand there and watch your child brush, face it they have more energy and patience than us.
       Now finally I would like to say to all you adults out there don't forget to brush your own teeth. I'm not particularly concerned with your oral hygiene. What does concern me is trying not to gag when you begin talking to me. This goes double for you smokers. You may think you don't stink, but you do, we just wait until you leave the room to talk about it, trust me it's true.

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