"One's never alone with a rubber duck" - Douglas Adams

    As I stare dumbfounded at the water running across my floor I think back fondly to an hour ago when getting my nine year old into the shower seemed like a good idea. It should be a simple thing right.? I mean we all take showers every day...most of us take showers every day.
    The process begins with convincing him to take the shower. What starts as a simple request usually degenerates into a yelling of orders and stomping through the house. Once parental control is restored it is imperative that the ducky towel and it's acceptable washcloth pairing are located.
    Next comes the water preparation, and apparently my son has the skin of a burn victim since the amount of time and micro adjustments to water temperature usually involve advanced calculus and NASA instrumentation.
     Finally with the shower running and child in it we can relax...um no. The constant reminders to actually wash using shampoo and soap are absolutely necessary to avoid later arguments like "...but you never told me." and "I didn't know." As are reminders of where to wash, trust me little boys lose track of all their parts. Later in life guys don't have that problem, we never forget to wash our "parts"...usually twice.
      So I go about my business thinking the running water and the squeaking rubber duck means all is well. The sudden pitter patter of wet feet tell me different, but my investigation reveals no naked, wet children wandering about.
      Unaware of any problems I went to retrieve my child from his shower. As I approached the bathroom the horror of leaving my child unsupervised for the eternity that is 10 minutes became evident. As Noah and his ark passed by me I waved politely and climbed into the boat now docked down the hall from the bathroom and made my way to my pre-teen Poseidon.
       I followed the river to it's source and docked my boat at the bathtub. The open shower curtain still allowing a torrent of water to flow out onto the tile floor. I yelled to my child and pointed out what he had done when he left the shower for his wet walkabout, his only response was "Oh".
      Well at least when I asked him why he left the shower in the first place he had a good reason... "I don't know."

     

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My son's " League of Evil Ex's"

      My eldest son hasn't been around very much lately so I'm not getting as much good material from him (pout). So I guess I’m forced to talk about his absence, sorry buddy, it’s out of my hands.
      My son has either been with my brother or with his new girlfriend. Actually I have to check if he's still, unconvincingly, denying the relationship; even his little brother doesn't believe him. You haven't seen funny until you've see a nine year old step up to a 19 year old and say "Oh yeah, then look me in the eye and say that." followed by "Yeah, you're lying."
      I actually approve of his new "friend" (There, is that better my child?) First off she was reading my blog and such before they even started hanging out, and that's a definite plus (Heya K). Second is the fact that she can read at all, that’s a new skill amongst his girl pool.
      I always wanted him to date someone like Juno (minus the early pregnancy). Someone smart and funny and with taste that is down to earth and has a sense of self as well as self-confidence. Instead he usually goes to the other end of the Diablo Cody spectrum dating girls like Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body (minus Megan Fox’s looks). Girls who are insecure man eaters, with bad attitudes and no brain.
      I'm not one of those parents that believe no one is good enough for their kids, I just haven't approved of most of the members of my son's “League of Evil Ex's”.
      Whether his ex’s were here scouting earth before the alien invasion force arrived or had just done a stint in woman’s correctional, I always believed he could do better. Instead of aiming lower, due to his self esteem issues he really should have been looking for a girl whose family wasn’t featured in a Fox animated TV show…or a Fox reality show.
No, being on cops AND Jerry Springer DOES NOT qualify you as a television star.
No, it is not funny how much her family reminds you of the Soprano’s.
No, that is not normal behavior for a brother and sister.
No, I will not feel better about it when the penicillin clears up her “problem”.
No, it is not cool that her mom paid for her “tramp stamp”.
No, I’m not being racist; green with antennae and a mustache is NOT a race.
No, I don’t think orange jump suits are “sexy”.
      I know everyone of us can probably claim our own "League of Evil Ex's", in fact I'll bet I'm probably on someone else's list. But my son will see bright, flashing neon signs over these girls that read "EVIL" and his response will be to put on sunglasses.

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First conversation of the day.

    I had a couple seconds of my young son's valuable time this morning while in the car, before Cartoon network, Disney channel and the neighborhood's future criminals distracted him.

Dad: "So, how are you going to annoy me today?"
Son: Looking up from his book he turns to me. " What makes you think I'm going to annoy you today?"
Dad: "History, I'm just playing the odds."
Son: " Well maybe I won't. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, I haven't decided yet."

I get the feeling I'm in for a long day. When does school start again?

  


   

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76% of Americans...

    ...prefer short blogs. :)

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Books: From Scott Pilgrim to Edgar Allan Poe to my kids.

    "This is Gideon. When would it be convenient for you to die?"
     It's been 16 months since that infamous phone call to Scott Pilgrim at the end of Scott Pilgrim Volume 5. Here I sit impatiently, knowing that Amazon has shipped Volume 6, the last volume of a journey that has lasted six years. I'm excited and sad that this story is ending dispite the fact that in August these books are getting the big screen and video game treatment.
     This is due to my special relationship with books. Please forgive all the pretty links you're about to see but I want to make sure I share with all of you a passion of mine. I love books, all kinds of them from comics and graphic novels to every kind of fiction and non-fiction you can think of.
     I can't seem to get around the idea of a Kindle or a Nook. I mean I sure do get the convenience of having all your books portable on a small computer. Sure it saves on space and the books are actually cheaper, but for me it's not the same. I love the feel of a book in my hand and turning pages, I love going to a book store and picking something out and the smell and feeling when you first crack it open. Am I weird? maybe .
      My love affair with books started young, very young before kindergarten, I learned to read early and so did my kids. The first memory of my love of books was an old hardcover from 1942 call Smilin' Jack and the daredevil girl pilot. After that I soaked up anything I could get which included a lot of Spider-Man and Fantastic Four comics.
    I have great memories of going to the five and dime with my grandmother and picking out new paperbacks every week including a copy of the first Star Wars novel for 95 cents. I also remember taking books off her shelf and reading them including The original Red Dragon hard cover, which at about 13 I was way too young to read, but changed my life none the less.
    That book was probably the reason I discovered how great horror could be and the reason I discovered Stephen King. Now I own every book he's ever written, and still remember fondly my mother bringing me home a copy of The Dead Zone when I was bed-ridden with the flu. To this day Christine and The Stand along with F Paul Wilson's The Keep are still among my favorite books despite having now read hundreds.
     I was one of the few in high school who was fine with reading Shakespeare, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Outsiders. These are books I still love and if you haven't read them you really should. I carried books with me everywhere even back then, from football practice to lunch, of course I usually kept it stuck away somewhere.
     I still get a huge thrill out of discovering new authors. I recently found an author I fell in love with by the name of Gillian Flynn who's two novels Sharp Objects and Dark Places re-inspired my love of mystery novels and Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy is inspiring everyone's imagination from housewives to Hollywood, not just me.
     My house is filled top to bottom with every kind of book from Spider-Man and Star Wars to Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes. From philosophy and biographies to superheroes and axe murderers and dozens of sports books and  I think they are beautiful.
     So you're probably asking "Other than sharing an obsession Paul, what's the point?" Well, the point is my oldest son hates reading so much that he claims to be allergic to books. That's right I can't get my son to read and it kills me. He was able to read before entering kindergarten like me and his brother. When he was in second grade he passed a junior high reading test and seemed to love reading but by third grade he was way too cool for books.
    I've made deals with him, offered him allowance based on reading not chores, and of course threatened  and harassed him to no avail. I've bought him books for every interest he's shown from basketball and soccer to Halo. The boy has actually talked himself into allergies from reading. Seriously, how do you give yourself hives from reading. I had a moment of hope In the bookstore the other day when he actually showed interest in a book ...called "Asshole-ology: The science behind getting your way- and getting away with it". The moment was over. I'm sad because it's a long way from the same kid who asked to be read The Sheep Who Was Allergic to Wool and the Monster at the End of this book  every single night over and over. I still have some hope as my youngest seems to want to read and has two books going right now, but it's a little touch and go.
    Reading is important to me and my wife, who herself goes through books like tic tacs. Not just because we know the simple joy that a book can bring but because we also understand how it can help your brain continue to grow and how books can actually help your vocabulary and articulation which are very important for quality social interaction and your future in the job market. Want to impress a potential employer? Then try being able to communicate like a grown-up with a brain versus going into an interview saying "S'up man, g'head axe me sum things." Seriously that happened...needless to say his application was in the trash before he was out the door.
     Please continue to read and encourage your children to do so. My best friend is doing an incredible job on this front with his daughter and she's a brilliant, articulate, and amazing little girl. No bad can possibly come from it. Unless maybe your terrified of paper cuts or The Monster at the End of the Book.

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The car ride blues

    When my youngest son was still just a wee pain in the butt, y'know diapers, bottles and the such, driving anywhere with him was a nightmare. It wouldn't take long after putting him in his car seat before he would start screaming, red faced and tear covered.
    We tried everything, getting a bigger and more comfy car seat, blocking the wind, the sun, and alien microwaves. We tried turning the radio off and on as well as every type of music. We tried toys and juice and crackers leaving my car covered in sticky crumbs. It didn't matter what we did any car ride meant dealing with my son screaming like a Crystal Lake camper, or like me the day they canceled Firefly (side note if you didn't revel in the greatness of Firefly I curse you).
    Flash forward a few years (By the way Flash Forward is another great show that got canceled what the hell are you people watching out there anyway?) Now this same child who tortured his loving and patient parents (loving and patient means frazzled and wore down for you non-parents) this same child to whom a ten minute car ride meant ten minutes of torture and horror, to this exact same child this exact same ten minutes now means nap time. That's right inevitably any car ride that lasts ten minutes will Now...NOW put my son sound asleep. Seriously this is the definition of a cosmic joke on parents.
    At nine months old a car ride meant misery at nine years old it means nap time, go figure. Then again as a child my oldest was quiet and sweet and a complete angel, now as an "adult" if I can get him to stop whining and complaining for 30 seconds it's either because he wants something or he's eating. I guess my kids are backwards, I'm sure it's their mother's fault.

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I Hate Pants!

    First off to clarify for my much beloved British readers I understand that in the Queens English pants means underwear but I mean Jeans, slacks, trousers, strides, kex, kegs, breeches, breeks or trews not underwear. Now back to the subject, my pants.
     I hate pants. I hate them so much that first thing I do when I come into the house is take them off, sometimes before my coat of even my shoes, which by the way reminds me I hate falling on my face too. The sooner I can get into something comfortable like sweats or shorts (even in the middle of winter) the better.
      I don't know exactly where this hatred of  "bottom wear" came from. I never had any traumatic pant experiences I was never abused or violated by pants I just know that they seem unnatural to me like ties and jewelry do.
     Pants didn't even become a standard clothing until the 16th century, and can be traced back to Iranian Scythians, and Achaemenid Persians (the Middle East to simplify). So we've only been wearing pants for about 25% of modern human history. I am seriously looking forward to the day some rapper decides to wear robes, tunics or kilts and they become the height of fashion. Wouldn't Sean John or South Pole brand kilts be great?
      For that matter neckties really started during the Thirty-Years War (1618-1648) when Croatian mercenaries  in French service wore traditional neckerchiefs which caught the attention of Parisians. Colored neckerchiefs and Paris fashion...hmmm doesn't sound very manly to me.
      My poor children have to endure issues regarding my trouser hatred as well since it has inspired some weird house rules. For example if you are wearing jeans or slacks you can't go barefoot. If you want to be sock-less you must be pant-less and go put on shorts or sweats. Also no white pants after Labor day because that's just tacky. Most Importantly NO sagging pants.
     Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this fashion disaster. This is not a good look, this is not a cool look the only advantage it has, is that it immediately makes it obvious who the douche bag in the room is, and there for the person to avoid at all costs.
    First off guys I'm assuming you like girls right? Let's assume you do for the sake of argument, but for those of you who don't, wait this will come back around to you. I have never, never! met a girl in my life who thinks this is a good look. If there is a woman who wants to see your dirty Walmart boxers, and is so fashion retarded that she thinks this is a good look then immediately get on that when she wakes from her crack induced coma.
    Second I understand this is supposed to be bad ass and the gangster, criminal look but I'm betting it's hard to run from the cops with your pants around your knees. For that matter any smart criminal would see your limited running ability and make you his first target. I mean seriously if I'm looking to steal someone's wallet or Ipod I'm gonna rob the guy who can't catch me first. For the record It's not bad ass looking it's stupid looking and even old people are laughing at you. If my 90 year old grandfather is laughing at you then your probably not inspiring a lot of fear or respect.
      Lastly, and here's where we come around to the guys who don't like girls, do you losers know where this fashion (using the term loosely) comes from? It came from prison culture. When you are given your prison clothes they are not fitted and since you can't wear belts in prison the pants always sagged some, but this wasn't the end...so to speak. Taking advantage of these loose fitting garments prisoners who wanted to advertise that their ass was for sale or trade to other prisoners would wear their pants sagged to entice bubba and the boys to his cell. So all you bad ass tough guys out there are really closer to gay culture than gangster culture, so drop the tough guy act and let your freak flag fly boys you know you want to.
    

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Lost In Translation #9

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THE TABLE UNTIL YOU EAT THAT.

Example:
               Parent: I don't care how much you hate broccoli you're not leaving the table until you eat it. There are starving children in (insert African country here) who would kill for what you have.
              Child: Fine, I'll get a box, you get the stamps and we'll send it to them.

             Parent's Definition: You will sit there and eat that, there is nothing wrong with it. I'm not throwing it and wasting money.
               Child's Definition: Will you please leave the room so I can 1) Hide this in my napkin. 2) Feed it to the dog. 3) Run to the bathroom and flush it. 4) Hide your horrible undercooked french fries under my bed. (Side note, that last one was mine. It didn't work out too well. Sorry Mom.)

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It's a bird eat bird world.

    My youngest son was sitting in the driveway against the car when suddenly a hawk grabs a pigeon and lands just feet from where he was sitting and proceeds to de-feather his fellow bird without realizing  my son was there. In a state of shock at having a 3 foot tall bird sit down next to him for his squab dinner my son ran to get me. Eventually the hawk tired of it's audience and flew into the tree in front of our house.
     This is when it dawned on me that we owned a camera and I managed a few shots of the hawk enjoying his dinner including this one I snapped just before he carried it off to devour it elsewhere, leaving my driveway and front sidewalk scattered with feathers.
     It wasn't until I took a good look that I realized it wasn't just any disease and mite filled vermin the hawk was eating but my very favorite winged scum that had been residing on my garage roof all spring. I had named him Pigeon Patel and watched daily as he fed off the neighbors garbage and crapped on everything it came near. Ah well I hope the hawk enjoyed his meal of sky rat and R.I.P. Pigeon Patel.

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Bad Parent ! No Children for you!

    You need a license to drive a car, own a gun, or go fishing, even your dog needs a license and without a permit you can't put up a fence on your own property but the most important thing we do on this planet is done with no training, manual or certificate. Anybody, whether they want to or not, can make a kid and attempt to raise it.
    As parents we all make mistakes and question our decisions, most of us do the best we can, but not everyone can say the same. The amount of child abuse and neglect that exists is overwhelming. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations in the United States, and the numbers are not dropping. Most of us are aware that these scumbags exist and  would do what we could to help, but these are just the most obvious examples of bad parenting.
     Most of us just shake our head in disgust at the lesser offenses like unsupervised children running wild, or kids that are disrespectful and vulgar to adults. We do nothing because there is not really much we can do. These are examples of parents who can't be bothered to spend the time raising their kids and teaching them the proper way to act.
    So what I suggest is simple, I believe that you should be required to have a license in order to have a child. It wouldn't be that complicated. Start it in high school and have a class in "life skills and child rearing" be mandatory and comprehensive, and not just a glossing over of subject matter. If these classes aren't passed or the person leaves high school before finishing then a longer program that incurs a charge has to be taken. This may also be a slight incentive to stay in school longer. Under the best of circumstance it may also be a slight deterrent to teen pregnancy if the punishment is considered.
    If you bring a child into the world without having your license then you are given mandatory community service every week until you complete your course. Under the best case scenario the community service would include working in child, spousal, and animal abuse, substance abuse, prisons, and social services. In short places where you can see the result of not having good life skills. Failure to attend your community service can result in fines, imprisonment or temporary placement of children in another home, whether it be a relative or foster home.
   Also if you go on welfare your license is suspended until you can get on your feet and take care of your own children. Things happen to everyone, and people need help, and I understand that, but there's no reason that you should be bringing MORE children into the world if you can't afford them and then expecting others to pay for them. In cases of abuse and criminal activity your license can of course be taken away.
    As far as the cost for this, there is no reason the country couldn't end up in the black on this. Teen pregnancy costs us money, so does welfare parents who add to their family, and the mandatory community service would be a definite benefit for programs that are government funded. Teaching proper parenting and life skills could eventually reduce the number of people in prison or new welfare enrollments  which cost this country a fortune. Having to pay for licensing if you dropped out or had your license revoked, and fines are all positive cash flow. Child abuse cases cost this country millions to pursue, if licensing stopped only 1% of that abuse that would be 60,000 less children abused, the benefit of that goes way beyond monetary but the money saved as well is undeniably huge.
    As a country we can not afford economically or socially to allow our greatest asset, it's people, to be less then great yet we continue to raise generations of children who have no respect for peoples lives and property, children who enter lives filled with drugs, crime and abuse who in turn continue the circle with their own children. We are destroying our country from within, rotting at the core so to speak. Maybe it's time to teach people how to be responsible for themselves and their children, whether they like it or not.
   
    
   

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Lost In Translation #8

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

Example:
                Parent: How did that lamp get broken? Tell me the Truth.
                 Child: Timmy did it.
                Parent: So your six month old brother crawled from his crib, knocked the lamp from the table with your football and then crawled back into his crib?
                Child:  He's very advanced for age. It speaks well of your child rearing abilities mother.

Parent's Definition: Give me an honest answer.
  Child's Definition:  Quick make something up.
 

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Happy fourth of July.

    Happy 4th everyone. I hope you are all out enjoying the day, celebrating our beautiful country's birthday and not reading this...until later of course. Everything in America is not perfect of course. We are still dealing with some horrible things afflicting our great nation, Like a two front war, a horrible economy, the Gulf oil leak, Rush Limbaugh and Twilight fans.
    Despite these blights to our country we should still take some time today to celebrate being Americans. Pride is an uplifting thing. Pride in out work, our children, our young soldiers, or our country all give us reason puff our chest and feel good for a little while. So go out eat too many hot dogs, drink some crappy beer and ooh and ahh at the fireworks, just don't forget why your celebrating. Cheers to America your not getting older, your getting wiser...we all hope.
     Now that I got that out of the way, what the hell is the fascination with making things go bang. The little morons in my neighborhood will spend the next week setting off fireworks until 2 am and have no real understanding of what the point was in the first place. By little morons I mean grown adults who not only should know better (fireworks are illegal here) but apparently have such low IQs that they can be completely amused by making noise, not unlike most infants.
    If your life is so boring that spending anytime, let alone a week setting off fireworks entertains you than maybe you are in need of a hobby. I suggest something really dangerous. In the mean time get the hell out of my gene pool because no amount of chlorine will help the rest of us while you're wading in the shallow end.
    Have a great weekend people. Please play safe, stay off the road if your having any adult beverages, and be sure to take a few minutes to REALLY think about what your celebrating.

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Instruction Set #2: Cleaning your room.

    I haven't written anything in the last couple of days and it wasn't my intention to neglect this space. In fact I have an excuse. I walked into my oldest son's bedroom and mistakenly took a wrong turn at dirty laundry mountain, so I found myself lost in the wilderness without supplies. I spent the last 2 days battling my way out. I barely survived but luckily there was food and drink scattered all over so I didn't have to worry about dying of thirst or starvation.
    For those of you that have children who will clean their room or anything else without being yelled at...I hate you. I am not so lucky though. My children are the only kids I know who can be sent to clean their room and emerge from the bowels of Hell four days later with their room in worse shape than when they entered.
     I decided to write this instruction set as a "love" letter to my oldest boy. Sorry son but having a dozen scientists set up camp in your room looking for "New species" and analyzing "Unusual formations of molds and fungi." was the last straw. I should have known something was up when the cockroaches took you to court for being a slumlord and the rats moved to a safer neighborhood....downtown Detroit.

CLEANING YOUR ROOM
   1) Use common sense. If your room is dirty clean it.
      Warning signs that your room is dirty and needs to be cleaned might include The following. (These are REAL by the way not jokes)
         A) The need to create a path through the laundry and garbage to get to your bed.
         B) My sister panicked that she might not be able to find her cat or he might be injured because he ran into your room.
         C) Your out of socks and underwear but the laundry is done.
         D) Coming across clothes on the floor that you forgot you had and are now not just out of style but actually fit your baby brother.
         E) I post a photo of your room on Facebook and to the disbelief of everyone it's worse than I described.
   2)  When cleaning your room the underneath of your bed is indeed part of your room.
   3) The corners of the room as well as the underside of your bed are NOT acceptable locations to "Put Away" you things.
   4) Stacking contraband junk food in the corner under dirty clothes is not only a bad way to hide it from your parents but probably a bit unsanitary.
   5) Pick up the returnable bottles scattered around your room. There is money in those that could have been yours but is now mine. On a completely unrelated note you guys should see the new DVD player I bought with...um...spare change.
  6) Vacuum your room as well. No that is not the color of your rug and no the fact that it looks like it's moving is not some "weird visual effect".
  7) When your light bulb needs to be changed, do it. Do not sit in the dark and tell me you "Like it this way". Although the mushrooms we were able to harvest from the cave-like enviroment were a money saver.
  8) When your sheets and blankets are dirty do not strip the bed and sleep on the bare mattress. Feel free to put new ones on the bed. I am not buying the excuse that you're re-enacting scenes from the prison drama "OZ".
  9) Yes, that is dust and no, it isn't cool that you can write your name in it.
10) I don't care how big it is! Just kill it quick before it eats your brother!

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