A quick tour of Sarcastica

      I have VERY often been accused  of living in my own little world, and why not I like it there. In my little world no one hates each other based on sexuality, religion or political party. In my world Firefly was never canceled, the only American idols are people who deserve the title like; teachers, police and authors, and the only time you'd EVER hear snooki is when you were trying to hold back a sneeze. Sounds like a paradise doesn't it? Don't believe me? you should try our Chocolate CoffeeBeer that burns fat.
        The truth is I don't live in my own little world...I live in my own little country and I'd like to show you just a touch of it if I may. Welcome to Sarcastica...(cue Jurassic Park music)
         Most of Sarcastica is top secret and therefore off limits to non-residents do to us having the worlds only supply of common sense, and lord knows we wouldn't want that getting in the hands of the rest of the world, could you imagine? But you may apply for a visitors visa at your local Sarcastica embassy in the Smart-ass offices (usually located behind the bar). So let us start your quick tour...when you're done be sure to stop by the Sarcastica gift shop and pick up your very own stuffed smart-ass the majestic and proud symbol of our glorious land.

         It's Spring in Sarcastica right now as you can see. The rolling fields of the local flower we call snow spread far and wide and is a joy to behold. Drivers slow to a mere 75MPH during the snow bloom to take in the beauty of our scenic landscapes. But look quick because snow only blooms ten months out of the year, blink and their gone. The other two months of the year travel is impossible in Sarcastica due to repairs to it's infrastructure. I've asked and Yes, apparently it does take that long for a crew of twelve to repair a six inch hole in the road. Be sure to bring your shorts and bathing suits since Sarcastica in the Spring can reach as high as balmy 30 degrees and will almost never drop any lower than Zero. Sarcastica gets sun light an amazing four days a year, and on three of those days the temperature will reach 150 in the shade. We ask that you avoid Sarcastica on those days since you likely be murdered.

      Sarcastica's majestic mountain ranges are unspoiled natural resources. These mountains supply Sarcastians with natural springs that the locals credit for their fabled energy. It is also rumored to be the reason for Sarcastian's ethereal beauty and incredible intelligence. These mountain ranges are teeming with life of all shapes and sizes, including the occasional deadly predator. Sarcastica had the fore site to leave these green spaces unspoiled. We understand the importance of not killing every species and destroying every natural wonder this world has to offer so that oil companies can keep making money and pretending that alternative energies are impossible, even though Brazil has already proven otherwise and functions predominately on ethanol. Sarcastica can completely understand how a superpower like the USA can not manage to do what a country known for topless girls already has, and it certainly can have nothing to do with greed.

      Here you see one of Sarcastica's holiday icons Bunny Claus. Sarcastians choose to not over celebrate holidays and have combined Easter and Christmas into one holiday. On Eastmas this giving little rabbit leaves all the good little boys and girls candy and gifts under their basket trees along with something that looks eerily similar to Raisinets.
      Sarcastica has righted many wrongs when it comes to celebrations. For example on birthday's children no longer receive gifts, instead they give gifts to their parents to thank them for the gift of life as well as all the things they've done for them...which is, let's face it...everything. We do not celebrate Valentine's day as here in Sarcastica every day is a day to tell your significant other how much you love them. St. Patricks day is a two day national holiday here, One day for the celebration and one for the recovery. The Other three national holidays are Thanksgiving, Halloween and Superbowl Sunday. Any boss forcing their employees to work on any of these days are immediately set on fire, and forced to listen to Celine Dion while drinking some vile liquid called BUUUUD for the rest of their lives....oh the horror.
      Also Mother's and Father's Days now fall on the Second and third Sundays on EVERY month...I personally now have seven thousand ties, and 648 clay ashtrays even though no one in Sarcastica smokes...it's do to that common sense resource I mentioned earlier.

      Here you see the King of Sarcastica; Captain Squishy. King Captain Squishy is seen here relaxing after a full meal followed by an intense belly rub from his loyal followers. He received the title of captain while serving in Sarcastica's Royal Navy which consists of several colored plastic boats and three rubber ducks. Since Sarcastica is landlocked the navy is not very well funded. King Captain Squishy has a royal menu of various grains, fruits and vegetables as well as what ever he can steal while his subjects aren't looking....hmm sounds like most leaders. His hobbies including people climbing, blanket burrowing, and sniffing everything. Captain Squishy took power in the past year upon removing Dad from the royal couch and claiming it as his own. It was a...Mostly bloodless coup, and at just one year old King Captain Squishy is the youngest ruler in the history of Sarcastica but it has been proven that even at this young age he is more qualified and sane than 92% of the worlds leaders...and all of congress. When he is done with his nap he will spend ten minutes scratching, three hours cleaning and then begin the process all over again to Sarcastica's patriotic and heart wrenching national anthem; AC/DC's Highway to Hell.
     
        There you have it, your quick tour of Sarcastica, I hope it was enjoyable and educational. We'd love for you to come and visit us (not really, seriously, we don't want you foreigners polluting Sarcastica and stealing our common sense. We do have standards you know) and enjoy all that we have to offer you (nothing go away and rot your brains with Jersey Shore and Twilight). And as we say here: Once you've gone sarcastic, you never go back.

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