Son, Your pants seem to be on fire.

      I know I didn't post last week but how can you miss me if I don't go away? I was on vacation, I went out of town to visit my mind, I do miss it ever so much. Actually It wasn't much of a vacation I was stuck in the house with the little one who was off all week as well, trapped inside by the crappy weather. I suppose I could have wrote but it's hard to concentrate on my complaining when I also have to deal with a child's.

      I have a particular distaste for being lied too...and cauliflower...lies tweak that little part of my brain that hates not having all the available information I need as well as the thought that someone is purposely deceiving me. My kids are horrible liars though fortunately for me, not so much for them.
      I've walked out of the bedroom at 5 am to see one of my children with his hands and face covered in chocolate, eyes wide with panic, kinda like Michael Vick when he sees an animal control officer, and trying to convince me that he didn't eat any candy. The boy would stand there vehemently denying he touched the Halloween candy while still trying to chew and swallow it.
      Both my boys have pretty obvious tells, I won't give away my little one's secrets since he reads these and I need the edge, he is too smart for his own good. Some call it being precocious, I call it by more direct four letter words. As for my older one it's easy to tell if he's lying, he's talking to me. He trained me pretty well, he never told me the truth so I just stopped asking questions.
      As parents we constantly deal with the little lies.
      "Did you do your homework?."..."Yes"
      "Did you finish your veggies?"..."Yes"
      "Are you an evil spawn sent to our dimension for the sole purpose of the eradication of the human race?"..."No"
      See all lies.
      So two nights ago I asked my youngest bundle of joy to switch the wash into the dryer for me before he went to bed. He had asked me if he could stay up late to watch something and I let him so I figured he'd be thrilled to do me this tiny favor...should have known better right? He comes back and tells me it's not finished yet. I was really confused since I had personally started the load more than an hour and a half before. That's the longest wash cycle I had ever heard of, and that includes my oldest son's marathon showers.
      Of course I have to go check it out myself, defeating the purpose of asking for help. thinking either something was wrong or he was messing with me and he'd tell me "Oh, it must have just stopped." But alas I find the washer still running and in fact at the very beginning of it's cycle, It had just started...or should I say restarted. The little monster denied doing it, not very convincingly, seriously trying to convince me it had turned the dial, and pulled out the start button all on it's own. I also did not accept that it was A) ghosts B) a mouse or C) the wind. Hey, at least he tried.
      In our house the rule is if you lie about something it automatically doubles the length of your grounding. Of course if I had stuck to that my oldest would have been grounded until March of 2517. Now my boy wouldn't have gotten grounded for not switching the wash, probably just a scolding or a parental guilt trip but lying about it got him room bound, and after the pleading and yelling and sad harmonica playing ended he followed up with an "I'm sorry can I come out now." and was genuinely shocked that I said no, after all how could I not swoon at such a sincere attempt at an apology. In his confusion and dismay he stomped off to his room to throw another fit. For those who don't know the temper tantrum is the "Elevator Muzak" of the married with children demographic. Ever so relaxing.
     
     
     

     

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