April Fools Day...Yeah I got no good title this week.

      This will probably be a bunch of random bits and pieces, I'm a little pressed for time. With tomorrow being April Fool's Day I have some ....things to prepare for my family, after all I wouldn't want them to get too complacent.
      I actually started early since while at work today I sent a little girl screaming onto her school bus. I explained to her that if she kept playing with the broken cover to a city electrical access she would let the C.H.U.D.S out. I did have to explain the acronym to her; Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, which sent her screaming past a confused bus driver.

      I was talking to my son and a friend of his, let's call him Bobby to avoid any angry parent syndrome, and me and my son were discussing the movie "SuckerPunch". I Mentioned to my son that it was like "Alice in Wonderland" with guns when the conversation turned a little thanks to Bobby.
      Bobby: Alice In Wonderland? Oh yeah I saw that, it was that movie with Johnny Depp and stuff.
       Dad: Well yeah but it was a book by Lewis Carroll first.
      Bobby: Oh. Was it a picture book or one of those books with just words?
      I took a deep breath...I had to.
        Dad: No, it wasn't a picture book.
       Bobby: Well, if there's no pictures then how do you know what stuff looks like?
      TWO, deep breaths....and a clenched jaw.
        Dad: You have to use your imagination.
       Bobby: Oh. My mom says I'm not allowed to use my imagination 'cuz it breaks stuff.
     My Son: Yeah mine gets me sent to my room a lot, my dad says my imagination is loud.

      Ok, here goes my obligatory rant. Parents I am pleading with you, teach your children source material. Disney did not invent Alice, Tarzan, The Musketeers, Bambi or even one single dalmatian they took these ideas from great writers and turned them into cartoons for the kiddies. It frightens me how many kids I've dealt with who ask me "If Beauty and the Beast was a book how did you hear the songs?" or some version of that question. Oh and by the way Bambi, Fox and the Hound, Mulan etc etc etc not only were stories before they were claimed by Disney but NONE of then required a part 2...I'm just putting that out there. For that matter what Disney claimed was their "First original animated story" The Lion King was actually a pretty blatant rip off of Shakespeare's Hamlet. The first screenplay  of The Lion King was written by Thomas Disch who despite having wrote the original screenplay for one of the most successful animated movies in history received no credits or royalties.
       I plead with you to teach source material not just because Disney confuses people but because it happens everywhere. We are all familiar with the way Stephen King's brilliant work is destroyed by Hollywood but it's more than just him. Total Recall, Minority Report, Paycheck, Next, and The Adjustment Bureau (among several others) weren't just bad movies with incompetent actors. They were amazing stories all written by the brilliant Philip K. Dick, and it seems the future holds even more tragedy for him as Hollywood plans to rape his work well into the future.
     Now most people are aware that most movies are novels, short stories or comic books first. I just think parents should introduce their children to the great writers who created them not just the bad actors and directors who ruin them. There are very few movies that do credit the books To Kill a Mockingbird and Lord of the Rings come to mind, most only serve to destroy a brilliant vision and even if they don't, I think the originator deserves his due. OH and by the way Joseph Sheridan LeFanu and Bram Stoker were the originators of vampires with the Stories Carmilla(1872) and Dracula(1897) respectively not Stephanie "we sparkle" Myers...seriously check it out...tell the kids.
End of rant...FOR NOW...bwahahaha

PARENTAL NOTIFICATIONS

 When asking your child if they need in the bathroom because you are about to take a shower "NO" actually means: As soon as you are relaxed and soapy I will pound on the door in a panic needing to go.

Covering your child head to toe in rain gear means that they will jump in and walk through every puddle no matter how big or small on the way to school.

When you ask your child "Do you understand?"  "Yes" actually means the next time it happens it's because they forgot.

CONVERSATIONS

      Dad: Turn the light off anf go to sleep.
My Son: It is off.
      Dad: NO, it's not.
My Son: How do you know?
      Dad: Because I can see it.
My Son: Then stop looking at it and you won't know.

My Son: Can I go to Bobby's house?
      Dad: No, stay in the yard we have to leave very soon.
Ten minutes later he walks in the house with Bobby.
      Dad: I thought I told you that you couldn't go over there.
My Son: I went over to his house to tell him I couldn't come over.

And just because so many people enjoyed my poetry like "Two Sock, One Sock" here's a couple more of the real short ones that I used to make me children think I'm a goof. They're also the one's too short to publish elsewhere so you get them instead.

Aadrvark
My friend has an Aardvark
Now I want one too.
It's a little strange,
Since I'm not sure what they do.

Imaginary Friend
I have an imaginary friend
He's a pet dog.
At least thats what I told my mom,
After I ate my pet frog.

Ok see what happens when you ask for this stuff people :)
So I want to thank everybody who reads my insanity because apparently this month I'm going to hit right around 2,000 readers for March which is a new high so thank you all greatly and from the bottom of my heart, and please continue to pass around this sight to your friends, it means a great deal to me and  it will keeps me working on this sight.
So for now everyone have a great weekend, and April Fools Day, and hopefully I'll see you all next week. Thank you.

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A quick tour of Sarcastica

      I have VERY often been accused  of living in my own little world, and why not I like it there. In my little world no one hates each other based on sexuality, religion or political party. In my world Firefly was never canceled, the only American idols are people who deserve the title like; teachers, police and authors, and the only time you'd EVER hear snooki is when you were trying to hold back a sneeze. Sounds like a paradise doesn't it? Don't believe me? you should try our Chocolate CoffeeBeer that burns fat.
        The truth is I don't live in my own little world...I live in my own little country and I'd like to show you just a touch of it if I may. Welcome to Sarcastica...(cue Jurassic Park music)
         Most of Sarcastica is top secret and therefore off limits to non-residents do to us having the worlds only supply of common sense, and lord knows we wouldn't want that getting in the hands of the rest of the world, could you imagine? But you may apply for a visitors visa at your local Sarcastica embassy in the Smart-ass offices (usually located behind the bar). So let us start your quick tour...when you're done be sure to stop by the Sarcastica gift shop and pick up your very own stuffed smart-ass the majestic and proud symbol of our glorious land.

         It's Spring in Sarcastica right now as you can see. The rolling fields of the local flower we call snow spread far and wide and is a joy to behold. Drivers slow to a mere 75MPH during the snow bloom to take in the beauty of our scenic landscapes. But look quick because snow only blooms ten months out of the year, blink and their gone. The other two months of the year travel is impossible in Sarcastica due to repairs to it's infrastructure. I've asked and Yes, apparently it does take that long for a crew of twelve to repair a six inch hole in the road. Be sure to bring your shorts and bathing suits since Sarcastica in the Spring can reach as high as balmy 30 degrees and will almost never drop any lower than Zero. Sarcastica gets sun light an amazing four days a year, and on three of those days the temperature will reach 150 in the shade. We ask that you avoid Sarcastica on those days since you likely be murdered.

      Sarcastica's majestic mountain ranges are unspoiled natural resources. These mountains supply Sarcastians with natural springs that the locals credit for their fabled energy. It is also rumored to be the reason for Sarcastian's ethereal beauty and incredible intelligence. These mountain ranges are teeming with life of all shapes and sizes, including the occasional deadly predator. Sarcastica had the fore site to leave these green spaces unspoiled. We understand the importance of not killing every species and destroying every natural wonder this world has to offer so that oil companies can keep making money and pretending that alternative energies are impossible, even though Brazil has already proven otherwise and functions predominately on ethanol. Sarcastica can completely understand how a superpower like the USA can not manage to do what a country known for topless girls already has, and it certainly can have nothing to do with greed.

      Here you see one of Sarcastica's holiday icons Bunny Claus. Sarcastians choose to not over celebrate holidays and have combined Easter and Christmas into one holiday. On Eastmas this giving little rabbit leaves all the good little boys and girls candy and gifts under their basket trees along with something that looks eerily similar to Raisinets.
      Sarcastica has righted many wrongs when it comes to celebrations. For example on birthday's children no longer receive gifts, instead they give gifts to their parents to thank them for the gift of life as well as all the things they've done for them...which is, let's face it...everything. We do not celebrate Valentine's day as here in Sarcastica every day is a day to tell your significant other how much you love them. St. Patricks day is a two day national holiday here, One day for the celebration and one for the recovery. The Other three national holidays are Thanksgiving, Halloween and Superbowl Sunday. Any boss forcing their employees to work on any of these days are immediately set on fire, and forced to listen to Celine Dion while drinking some vile liquid called BUUUUD for the rest of their lives....oh the horror.
      Also Mother's and Father's Days now fall on the Second and third Sundays on EVERY month...I personally now have seven thousand ties, and 648 clay ashtrays even though no one in Sarcastica smokes...it's do to that common sense resource I mentioned earlier.

      Here you see the King of Sarcastica; Captain Squishy. King Captain Squishy is seen here relaxing after a full meal followed by an intense belly rub from his loyal followers. He received the title of captain while serving in Sarcastica's Royal Navy which consists of several colored plastic boats and three rubber ducks. Since Sarcastica is landlocked the navy is not very well funded. King Captain Squishy has a royal menu of various grains, fruits and vegetables as well as what ever he can steal while his subjects aren't looking....hmm sounds like most leaders. His hobbies including people climbing, blanket burrowing, and sniffing everything. Captain Squishy took power in the past year upon removing Dad from the royal couch and claiming it as his own. It was a...Mostly bloodless coup, and at just one year old King Captain Squishy is the youngest ruler in the history of Sarcastica but it has been proven that even at this young age he is more qualified and sane than 92% of the worlds leaders...and all of congress. When he is done with his nap he will spend ten minutes scratching, three hours cleaning and then begin the process all over again to Sarcastica's patriotic and heart wrenching national anthem; AC/DC's Highway to Hell.
     
        There you have it, your quick tour of Sarcastica, I hope it was enjoyable and educational. We'd love for you to come and visit us (not really, seriously, we don't want you foreigners polluting Sarcastica and stealing our common sense. We do have standards you know) and enjoy all that we have to offer you (nothing go away and rot your brains with Jersey Shore and Twilight). And as we say here: Once you've gone sarcastic, you never go back.

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Twitter dee and Twitter dumb, and Erin Go Bragh

      I once said that social media is so prevalent and accessible that even cave dwelling hermits have gotten chatty, I'm living proof of that but I admit my cave is fairly well furnished. Against my better judgment I got involved or dragged into few different platforms including this blog, Facebook, and Stumbleupon, but lately Ive been having some fun with Twitter.
      I originally joined Twitter only to follow tweets for a alternate reality game attached to the upcoming The Secret World MMO. I soon found some interesting bits that kept me coming back. I love the fact that I get immediate updates from places like CNN and Deadline Hollywood but the fun is getting to see celebrities at their best and worst. Not long after signing up I was witness to an argument between Nathan Fillion and Simon Pegg over who had the better spaceship The Serenity or The Enterprise, and after not being able to settle it they decided on a drinking contest instead. Yeah I was a little hooked right there, my geek blood boiled...and it was obviously Serenity...what? rogue, scoundrel, and smuggler beats government issue stuffiness any day at least in the cool department..
      I've been privy to arguments between The Guild creator Felicia Day and her own alter ego Delicia Fay who seems bent on destroying Felicia. Yes, Celebrities arguing with themselves let's me know that they aren't much different than me.
      I was there when Ashton Kutchers mom...er. I mean Demi Moore posted her sexy pictures as a response to tabloids stories of Ashton's infidelities and I received notice from Daniel Craig the moment the deal was Struck for the new James Bond film even before the news was on line. To me that stuff is pretty neat.
      On the other hand I now know WAY too much about some celebrities pets. I mean I adore Julie Benz but I think I now know enough to take her dog to the vet for her, she refused to let me though, something about a restraining order.
      I was also there the first hour that Charlie Sheen started his Twitter account and promptly lost his mind on it. Yup, I was there from the beginning re-posting to Facebook all his Tiger blood, Adonis DNA, warlock watch wearing tweets and was part of his Guinness book of world record- Quickest to 1 million followers run. Funny enough That's actually the second world record I've been a part of. Despite my wife's input the first had nothing to do with Guinness Beer, Chicken Wings, AMP energy drinks or even the amount of times I've watched the entire run of Firefly, it was actually for a giant pillow fight, unfortunately it had nothing to do with the ones in my fantasies.
      I've also gotten some great updates and insights from professional athletes, apparently when they are off the field they do other stuff, and a small portion of it doesn't even include strip clubs. I've gotten to see That In real life LaMarr Woodley is a damn nice guy, and in real life Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson is still an idiot. But best of all, I've gotten to have some great exchanges with some amazing authors that I respect. As a writer Its inspiring to talk to others who are already where you want to be, that would apply to anyone who was able to speak with people who have made it in the business that they love...and that explains why my brother's Twitter feed is nothing but porn stars.
      So as I said I have a Twitter account, it gives me a chance to express myself 140 characters at a time. I get to tell my modest but growing group of followers intimate details about my life (even some dirty ones...if that will inspire you to follow me) I get to throw random thoughts and jokes at the wall and never worry what sticks. And I get to post ridiculous stuff that even I regret after one too many beers. I know a lot of people are still put off by Twitter and that's fine, this includes my grandfather who can't remember it's name and calls it pooper, on the 'puter but where else can you find a bible quote tweeted from a drunken B list comedian while he's at a strip club and signed with the hash tag #JesusDrankMyBeer ?

Happy St. Patrick's Day whether your Irish, or just Irish for the day.
      It's the middle of the week so I'm sure most of you won't be partying...until you call in sick. Enjoy the green beer and the green pee that follows. The worst part of which is getting so drunk you forget the beer was green and start freaking out in the bathroom.
      Order yourselves up some Irish Car Bombs, and Black and Tan's. Drink all the Guinness and Harp that you can stand. Scream the words to every great Irish song they play, for despite the joy that is March 17th its on the 18th you'll surely pay.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!


May you alway walk in sunshine.
May you never want for more.
May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet! Now I'm gonna go listen to some Dropkick Murphy's and have a Guinness for you all, may your glasses stay full and your spirits never fall.




     

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One Sock, Two Sock, Red Sock...Ten Sock?!

  

On one fine and snowy day 

My youngest did go out to play.

When he got cold he'd come inside,

And each time brand new socks were applied.

To my surprise a pile did grow.

Why in my living room I did not know.

So I asked my son why this was done?

Because I don't have time, I'm having fun.

As the day came to a close,

and my son warmed his little toes,

I told him it was time to clean his mess.

Two hours later he had done his best.

But a pile of socks still did remain.

I'm much too tired was his refrain,

To pick up said socks upon the floor

Instead I shall leave them for those I adore.

                                                                            

     Now my little tribute to Dr Seuss might not be great but hey cut me some slack I wrote the poem on the spot. 

      What happened was that we got hit with a pretty good snowstorm and like a lot of kids my son wanted to go play in the mess it left. He would go outside and play for a little bit, building evil and deranged snow men bent on world domination or at least the northern hemisphere, then come inside and change his socks, leaving the wet ones in the middle of the living room floor before going back out and making some snow angels. I'm not sure if he was screwing with me but those snow angels had big ole devil horns and a pointed tail coming out of them. He would then come back in and change his socks in the living room again, he did this five times leaving me with a pile of ten wet stinky socks and melted snow. The next morning he threw a fit because he didn't have any clean socks left and couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

      My children and I have had a life long battle over socks. I will find them in and under every piece of furniture, in the middle of the floor and whole stockpiles under the bed like they are hording them against the impending attack of the sock Nazi's. 

      Every week when we do laundry we save the whites for last to make sure as many socks as possible are done and enough time is given to gather them all knowing that it's laundry day. Either me or mom will clearly state "We are now doing whites! Bring out your socks, bring out your socks!" While ringing a bell and lugging the laundry basket through the house. That not being enough we then directly ask "Have you gotten ALL of your socks from your rooms?" 

      A dumbfounded "Uh huh" is given.

      "Did you check under the bed?"

       Again "Uh huh"

      Well, just like clockwork, three days later comes the cry "I don't have any clean socks! Where are my socks?"

      Where they are is all over their rooms, on the floor, under the bed, in toy boxes, closets and cages...Pets cages not theirs, we were forced by law to stop keeping the kids in cages, except in emergencies.

I even made up a goofy little poem thinking it would help them remember.

      Two Sock, One Sock

      The dryer ate my sock,

      Or where else did it go?

      Once there was two socks,

      Now there's one to fold.

      Obviously it didn't work but it did get me a whole lot of eye rolling and head shaking, and as you know we as parents thrive on those.

      At one point my oldest son seemed to be going through an incredible amount of socks. Every month or so he's tell us he needed new ones. We chalked this up to a lot of wear and tear from soccer every day. This is where our sock education truly began, and we realized how naive we were. Imagine our surprise at going under his bed and finding several months of unwashed but perfectly good socks. Disgusting and stinky but in one piece. He would rather send us to buy new socks than walk then to the hamper which was literally FOUR FEET from his bed. This is when we realized that children and parents might have a "Sock Gap".

      The sock gap is simply the distance between the hamper and the underneath of the bed, times the number of socks, and squared by how frustrated we as parents are after finishing all the laundry only to find out we need to do another tiny load of nothing but kids socks. See and you thought high school math was useless. 

      Once again we were faced with buying our first born all new socks when fashion suddenly dictated that the socks he was wearing were not junior high, fashion police approved. He refused to wear any socks until he was properly attired. I was unaware of any sort of sock fashions but of course I had missed sock week in Milan due to the pressing underwear crisis in Paris, so I stood corrected, and we were forced to buy new socks that looked more like little girl booties than proper man's footwear. It was either that or watch his heels continue to bleed, and after the whole children in a cage fiasco I just didn't need the hassles.

     

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I'm not crazy I'm colorful.

      It's been complicated couple days, in fact yesterday when I was supposed to be writing this blog my neurosis got the best of me. I was bound and determined that I was going to improve the look and functionality of this site no matter what. Well..."WHAT" happened and it was named Murphy's Law. I ended up screwing the whole thing up and having to rebuild it in a way I didn't necessarily want. Nothing new for me and my OCD and neurotic behaviors, they are always giving me and everyone around me headaches. Once again; thanks Mom.
      I have gotten a little better, it used to be that I even had to be careful when just buying a book or CD. Once I had one title by an author or a band I was "forced" to buy every single thing they put out whether I really wanted it or not, and that's the ONLY explanation for my Roxette collection, so let us never speak of it again. 
      For those who know me, NO! this has nothing to do with my fear of clowns, and don't laugh. those bastards are evil. Killer Klowns from Outerspace, Pennywise, The Joker, come on when have you ever seen a clown that didn't want to kill you and make balloon animals out of your lower intestine? What it does do though, is make me obsessed with whatever is on my mind. Whatever it is that gets stuck in there, I have to do everything involved with it, until I get it perfect or I've completed it, and I am ridiculously impatient about it. It HAS to be right now! So you can see how much of a joy I am for my wife.
      My impatience is Legen....wait for it....dary. I am literally the guy who gets mad because the microwave takes to long, therefore I always shave some time off what the directions say...hey I ain't waiting two damn minutes for a hot pocket I have other things to obsess over. My kids have learned when I say NOW!, that I mean it in the most literal sense, well, they learned it but it doesn't mean they care.
      The issue with obsessively needing to getting things right is part of why I'm not where I want to be as a writer. Once I write something I will edit it so many times that I forget what the point of the story was and have to start from scratch. I once worked on an opening line for 6 months and got it absolutely perfect only to realize I had no idea what I was writing about anymore. That's part of the reason I started this blog, it's therapy. I force myself to write it in one long stream of consciousness without allowing my self to edit, and so far it's helping, so any mistakes you see on these posts are not errors they are therapy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
      It's not all bad though, even for my wife. Since I am bound and determined to get something perfect she reaps the benefit sometimes. Get your mind out of the gutters...but yeah that too. My OCD has actually made me a pretty damn good cook when I can control the need to cook everything with a flamethrower so it's done quicker. I used to be obsessive about cleaning and germs as well but my kids broke me of that. I don't care how clean obsessed you are, two boys who see Oscar the Grouch and Pigpen as "misunderstood" are bound to change your thinking on the subject.
      So yesterdays 12 hour debacle of "improving" Sarcastic Dad is why your getting this to read. I hope insight into my diseased mind is entertaining enough for the moment, it seems to fascinate my doctor at least.

      But since this is short I want to take this opportunity to thank those reading and especially those sending comments Please all of you feel free to send me your thoughts by commenting, I love it.
      I also encourage you to join the Facebook fanpage and feel free to leave your own thought and funnies there. It is open for all of you who are members and all you have to do is click "like". I'd love to make it very interactive for all of you. Its a good way to meet new friends.
       Any tweeters please add me, with the link or by adding Sarcastic_Dad to your Twitter list. There are also links to share on Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon, Digg and other sites below the posts, I'd love it if you do use any of these to go ahead and click away.
      I also Highly encourage you to "Follow" me through the blog itself, its especially easy if you have a Google account, though I have a good number of readers (Thank you so much for that) my follows need you :)
      And lastly I have been nominated again for "Best Humor Blog" and "Hottest Daddy Blog"  (yeah that's me a hot Daddy :) ) if you feel so moved you can vote by clicking on the badges indicating the nominations. It does require registering.
      I have had a couple "inquiries" about the possibility of a humor book based on the site and could use all the forward momentum I can get, so please pass this site along to anyone who might enjoy it.
Thanks you and much love.
    

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