I Hate Pants!

    First off to clarify for my much beloved British readers I understand that in the Queens English pants means underwear but I mean Jeans, slacks, trousers, strides, kex, kegs, breeches, breeks or trews not underwear. Now back to the subject, my pants.
     I hate pants. I hate them so much that first thing I do when I come into the house is take them off, sometimes before my coat of even my shoes, which by the way reminds me I hate falling on my face too. The sooner I can get into something comfortable like sweats or shorts (even in the middle of winter) the better.
      I don't know exactly where this hatred of  "bottom wear" came from. I never had any traumatic pant experiences I was never abused or violated by pants I just know that they seem unnatural to me like ties and jewelry do.
     Pants didn't even become a standard clothing until the 16th century, and can be traced back to Iranian Scythians, and Achaemenid Persians (the Middle East to simplify). So we've only been wearing pants for about 25% of modern human history. I am seriously looking forward to the day some rapper decides to wear robes, tunics or kilts and they become the height of fashion. Wouldn't Sean John or South Pole brand kilts be great?
      For that matter neckties really started during the Thirty-Years War (1618-1648) when Croatian mercenaries  in French service wore traditional neckerchiefs which caught the attention of Parisians. Colored neckerchiefs and Paris fashion...hmmm doesn't sound very manly to me.
      My poor children have to endure issues regarding my trouser hatred as well since it has inspired some weird house rules. For example if you are wearing jeans or slacks you can't go barefoot. If you want to be sock-less you must be pant-less and go put on shorts or sweats. Also no white pants after Labor day because that's just tacky. Most Importantly NO sagging pants.
     Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this fashion disaster. This is not a good look, this is not a cool look the only advantage it has, is that it immediately makes it obvious who the douche bag in the room is, and there for the person to avoid at all costs.
    First off guys I'm assuming you like girls right? Let's assume you do for the sake of argument, but for those of you who don't, wait this will come back around to you. I have never, never! met a girl in my life who thinks this is a good look. If there is a woman who wants to see your dirty Walmart boxers, and is so fashion retarded that she thinks this is a good look then immediately get on that when she wakes from her crack induced coma.
    Second I understand this is supposed to be bad ass and the gangster, criminal look but I'm betting it's hard to run from the cops with your pants around your knees. For that matter any smart criminal would see your limited running ability and make you his first target. I mean seriously if I'm looking to steal someone's wallet or Ipod I'm gonna rob the guy who can't catch me first. For the record It's not bad ass looking it's stupid looking and even old people are laughing at you. If my 90 year old grandfather is laughing at you then your probably not inspiring a lot of fear or respect.
      Lastly, and here's where we come around to the guys who don't like girls, do you losers know where this fashion (using the term loosely) comes from? It came from prison culture. When you are given your prison clothes they are not fitted and since you can't wear belts in prison the pants always sagged some, but this wasn't the end...so to speak. Taking advantage of these loose fitting garments prisoners who wanted to advertise that their ass was for sale or trade to other prisoners would wear their pants sagged to entice bubba and the boys to his cell. So all you bad ass tough guys out there are really closer to gay culture than gangster culture, so drop the tough guy act and let your freak flag fly boys you know you want to.
    

Posted in: