I'm Batman...except...you know...straight.

      In 30 plus years I had never seen a bat, but in the last few years I've had a half dozen of them fly into my house and I spent last night tracking down and capturing yet another one and in fact it was the biggest one I've seen to this point. For those concerned, yes it was safely released back into the wild.
       I think this is a sign and I'm taking it seriously this time. Yes, that's right I'm taking the next step and changing my name to Bruce Wayne. I think I'd make an excellent Batman.
       To start with I am definitely a "child of the night". My wife says, that, combined with my hairy...everything, makes me a werewolf not Batman but hey this is my story and I'm sticking to it. I only wear dark colors, and I tend to attract psychopaths (have you met my family and my ex's?). I mean if Val Kilmer can play the caped crusader I sure as hell can. I suppose if I tried hard enough I could even do Christian Bale's ridiculous Batman voice, so why not go for it.
        I'm going to start looking for my Batcave today I figure with the real estate market what it is I can probably pick one up pretty cheap, and with low APR financing maybe even a new Batmobile.
       Tomorrow I'll put an ad out for my girl wonder...yes, GIRL-wonder. What? I'm not stupid, if I'm going to have some teenager running around in a Mardi Gras mask, boy shorts and spandex it's going to be a chick Grayson not a Dick Grayson.
      I mean I respect the original Bruce's lifestyle choice, it's just not for me. Those of you who are shocked by this thought are the same people who didn't know that Scooby-Doo was a stoner cartoon.
      Come on, Bruce has a history of bringing young boys; Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, and Tim Drake into his big mansion and making them jump around in skimpy outfits for Alfred and himself. I mean The one time he brought in a girl Robin, Stephanie Brown, Batman stripped her of the title almost immediately and refused to acknowledge her as a past robin even after her presumed death. So even though I think The original Bruce was a great role model for the gay community I'll have to do it differently.
        In fact there should be a couple more gay and lesbian superheroes, what we need less of is gay vampires. If 10% of the population is homosexual then why are 100% of vampires gay?
        When I first saw Interview with a vampire I just thought the vampires were effeminate because it was Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt playing the parts, but apparently not. Ever since Anne Rice decided that all vampires were descendants of Richards Simmons every vampire I see is gay. I watch True Blood with the wife and sure enough gay vampires everywhere. Twilight's Edward...gayest man alive and don't try and deny it, the dude sparkles like RuPaul on disco night. There is even a list of books that have gay vampires as characters that is now numbering 141, and doesn't even include the Twilight books. What's with all the vamp's coming out of the coffin suddenly. Dracula would turn over in his grave if he didnt want to avoid disturbing the Latin boy he picked up at Nathan Lane's last night. I always said that Vampires represent the feminine while Werewolves represent the masculine (Zombies represent Fox News viewers) and apparently I'm not alone in the belief.
         I don't care who or what you sleep with, I'm a strong proponent of gay rights, I was thrilled when Prop 8 was killed, and Neil Patrick Harris is one of my favorite people on the planet but enough is enough with the gay vampires...now lesbian vampires that's a different story.
      
      

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