My 12 days of christmas gifts.

      With 12 days until Christmas I've decided to share with you my 12 gifts to the world. Now I'm not going to give you all world peace and puppies, that's not only too obvious but it's no fun at all, is it? So here it is my 12 days of Christmas.

12 A Christmas carol sung by Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day so the rest of the world can enjoy their true talents. (Anyone who hasn't seen it, MUST see Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. I'd give it to you as a gift but hell, it's free on Netflix).

11 Puppies... OK I lied everyone should know the joy of a puppy.

10 Nicolas cage and John Travolta retiring...from everything!

09 A collective bargaining Agreement between NFL owners and players so we can avoid a lockout.

08 The end of reality television. It shall end with a bang though as the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore are tortured and executed for our Christmas viewing enjoyment, On Fox of course.

07 The joy of reading. Reading is one of the simplest and greatest pleasures, I wish everyone could realize it. Besides a world of readers is an educated world, and that's a great thing.

06 Great Sex...do I need to explain?

05 A sense of humor. If you can't take a joke...you know the rest. This world has become so "PC" so litigious and so bitter it really needs this one as well as #6. Hell combine the last three and maybe world peace would be possible.

04 Clean Sheets. Oh come on who doesn't love clean sheets?

03 Penguins!

02 A magic elixir that removes calories from ANYTHING.

01 Instead of universal health care I give the gift of universal health.

Cheers and happy holidays I hope you all enjoy your gifts. :)

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Thanksgiving the beginning...

      So today is Thanksgiving one of my favorite AND least favorite days of the year. Why is it one of my favorites? kind of obvious actually, a paid day off in the middle of the week, lots of food, football, beer and for me the one day a year I indulge in pecan pie. In fact Thanksgiving is one of only three holidays I personally celebrate along with Halloween and Super Bowl Sunday. For those of you that just said Super Bowl Sunday isn't a holiday...You're wrong! but I'll get into that in a couple months when it's relevant.
      As to why it's one of my least favorite days...where to start? did you know that 66% of families fight when they get together on Thanksgiving? Unfortunately I didn't make that number up. No normal person REALLY wants to get together with their extended family we do it out of tradition and some twisted sense of obligation that says we must get together with creepy Uncle John and our never pleased in-laws and our psychotic parents. Not to mention all those people around me mean that I can't concentrate on the damn games, trust me I'm way more interested in them than I am Aunt Mary's hip. Oh and if Thanksgiving is at your house then so is the mess.
      But the biggest reason I Don't like thanksgiving is because it officially signals the beginning of the Holiday Season. Oh god the ridiculous shoppers, the terrible music, the fake kindness, the HORRIBLE "Very Special Episode of..." The annoying bells every damn time I walk into a store seriously all I want for Christmas is an AR-15 assault rifle (fortunately there is a pink Hello Kitty version now. I kid you not.)
      To all you sadists who get up at 3am to stand in line on Black Friday with a thousand others to save $10 on a Barbie Doll or get little johnny that new gadget he so desperately wants I only have one question...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? If you are so strapped for money that you are willing to face Black Friday shopping to save a few bucks I have some advice for you BUY LESS! I've worked Black Friday sales and watched them from a safe distance and I'm here to tell you this is the circle of Hell that even Dante was scared to tell you about.
      Christmas music is tortuous it's like listening the death cry of a hundred brown bats as they are burned to death by an exploding Santa decoration (Sorry about that by the way, I was aiming for Rudolph).
      I get so very sick of hearing about being kind to each other because it's the Holiday season. Seriously? you idiots all need a special month as an excuse to be nice? If you can't treat each other decent all the time then don't fake it, it's just sad really.
       And OH...MY...GOD what they do to TV during the month leading up to Christmas is the true reason there are so many suicides this time of year. Every show that has ever existed has done a Christmas episode ripping off  "A Christmas Carol" You know what I'm with Scrooge Bah Humbug. If it isn't Charles Dicken's being ripped off it's an episode where someone learns the true meaning of...BULLSHIT!. You know what is learned in these episodes? how to be a talentless hack writer who's ripping off every piece of literature ever written. They can get away with it though because most people will never know since they're too busy frying their brain with other hack writers like Stephanie Meyer. Isn't is bad enough we are force fed Miracle on 34th street and It's a wonderful life every year, for god sakes George just jump and save us all the repetitive heavy handed lessons.
       Now I'm all for helping people who need it, and now more than ever people need your generosity. I mean helping the people who really need help and not the people who keep having kids to milk the welfare system then bull up at the food bank in their Escalade with custom rims. I have no problem with a little charity in fact I encourage as we give ourselves to breast cancer charities as well as different child and animal causes. The difference is once again we don't wait until a certain month of the year to decide people need help people struggle 12 months a year not just December.
        What makes this even worse is the damn ringing bells at every single entrance to every single store in the country. I knew this was out of hand when I saw the chick in the fish nets ringing in front of the adult book store (yes I put money in...what I'm not heartless). I just get the feeling that I'm supposed to put money in every one of those red pots or these bell ringers are giving me the stink eye behind my back.
        So as I sit here writing this Thanksgiving day is coming to an end and the holiday season begins, and it begins not with a song, not with a miracle, but with a door buster sale at Walmart. Merry Christmas to all and to all a sad shake of the head.

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The homework problem continued.

     I recently did a post about my young son's eternal quest to find the perfect homework dodge. Even as I sit and write this my son is finding every excuse to ignore my orders to do his homework, and so it goes most days until I get loud, and speaking of that I'll be right back I need to go "Get Loud".
      Ok, I'm back, and predictably his response was to tell me I didn't need to yell, but we all know that's not true, besides I like yelling, I'm good at it, it's the only thing I learned from my mother.
      The other day though I got distracted and forgot to follow up with him, I did not remember to check his homework until it was time for bed. This is when I informed him that if his homework wasn't done he was grounded the following day.
       My son began to protest and argue and stomp, in other words throw a hissy fit. At this point I didn't need to check his homework because it was obviously not done. I then told him "I told you to do your homework and you didn't listen, so if it's not done you're grounded."
      Little one then proceeded to argue with me.
"No, you never told me to do my homework."
"First, I shouldn't have to tell you every day, second, Yes I did tell you."
"No, you didn't tell me."
"Yes, I did tell you and you know it."
"No, you didn't, well...just once or twice."
D'OH

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The homework problem

      I'm sure we are not the only parents who battle with their children about getting homework finished. With both our boys I've noticed that it starts out fairly straight forward the first couple years. A simple reminder and a firm directive seem to do the trick.
      The problems arise shortly after second grade when children learn subversive tactics and anti-parent counter measures. I was not aware that 3rd grade had become spy school but apparently things have changed since I attended. Now that my youngest is in fifth grade he has become fully versed in the home work dodge, he has not yet achieved the legendary skills his big brother had at getting out of homework (or any work for that matter), but he is well on his way.
      The little one has progressed well beyond the simple lie and the changing of homework related documentation; i.e. erasing homework from his agenda. He has also mastered the "Tom Sawyer" which in this case is tricking others into doing pieces of his homework for him. Even though we are aware of this he still catches us off guard occasionally. This is most often used when working on his weekly spelling words and definitions that require sentences as well.
      Apparently my son had lost all grip of the alphabet because every other spelling word on his list was "Not in this stupid dictionary." Which would result in us finding it right where it was supposed to be in less than five seconds. Needless to say I wasn't buying the fake expression of surprise on his face or the insincere "Wow, how did you do that, I looked everywhere." Well there is your problem boy, you should be looking for the word "dew" under the letter D not everywhere.
      Finally fed up with this game I created a game of my own. If he could not find a word in the dictionary but I did find it then he had to stand in the corner and count to one hundred. Yes my child, by ones, not by fives or tens. I can't believe he tried that one, wait actually yes I can. The one caveat to this would be if he could not find the word and when I looked it actually wasn't in "His stupid dictionary" then he could make ME stand in the corner. My son's eyes widened, a devious smile spread across his face and he rubbed his hands together like a Bond villain. Seriously what the hell are they teaching him at this school. Needless to say my evil little spawn was excited at the thought of putting dad into a corner. Well, I'm here to tell you nobody puts daddy in a corner. Ok, even I can't believe I said that.
      His first attempt failed miserably as I found the word he couldn't, his second and third attempt failed as well, so I'd find the word and send him to the corner to count. Frustration set in and he began getting upset at not getting a chance to win this game. I was just a little proud and cocky and even having a little fun with him until I saw the sly smile on his face as he walked away. That's when I realized the little bastard still had me doing his homework.

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Playing the blame game.

    In the 1950's comic books were demonized and considered a corrupting influence on our children. With a little bit of perspective and time we now see how ludicrous that seems. In the 60's it was The Beatles and that new fangled rock n roll that was going to destroy our children, that thought is now laughable. Then came the awesome destructive power of rolling dice while nerds pretended to be wizards and elfs, as it turns out the only terrible thing that Dungeons and Dragons taught you was...math...ooooooh.
      In the 80's the evil of rock and roll reared it's ugly head again as Ozzy and Motley Crue were going to steal children's souls and feed them to Satan. Well, now Ozzy is a reality show star who reminds us more of our grandpa than anything evil and Motley Crue is now played on those workplace safe radio stations. So once again these panic mongers look silly.
      The new "Ultimate Evil" in the world is video games.That's right Pac-Man and Space Invaders have mutated into an evil force that can turn your children into trained murderers....ummm...BULLSHIT!
      I want you to think about this for a second, we now live in a world where toy guns are all but banned, video game shooters are under fire for teaching our kids to kill, but these same people are handing their children REAL guns and screaming about their right to bear arms and kill fuzzy creatures with automatic weapons...am I missing something? Down with pretend violence, use real bullets instead. Is that the thinking now?
      I won't debate your constitutional rights to bear arms, I'm more concerned over the condemnation of video games and the constitutional rights of gamers. To start with I want to make this very clear, their has NEVER been any non-biased psychological or scientific proof that video games have ANY effect on children with one exception it's proven to improve hand to eye co-ordination to the point where prolific gamers are considered some of the best options to be fighter pilots.
      Video games as protected speech is under fire in an upcoming court case in California that could effect every type of free speech we now enjoy or any case that comes in the future, and as adults that should scare the hell out of you. The movie and music industry are allowed to govern themselves with stickers and ratings systems, but the video game industry who has the easiest to understand rating system is being attacked. Movies, music, books, even XXX movies are considered free speech but video games could soon be the first exception to that constitutional right. If that happens what will be next? Or should I say what WON'T be next? What will be left when people are done hating? I don't want to discuss the legal issues but the practical ones.
      Video games, like all the condemned things before them are a victim of ignorance. When people don't truly understand something their first instinct is to kill it, destroy it, make it go away so they are comfortable again. Having an open mind and wanting to educate yourself is a great cure for these fears, please keep this in mind when electing your politicians, because they more than anyone feed on your fears.
      I have been playing video games regularly since Pong. My brothers and my sons have been playing video games ALL their life. Not one of us has a violence issue, or have ever been arrested. If you want to know who is to blame for a child's behavior, first look at the child, there comes a point when a child is responsible for their decisions and knows right from wrong. No heavy metal song or video game can make a child do something they wouldn't do anyway. Even under hypnosis you won't do something that goes against your nature or beliefs, so I'm pretty sure Call of Duty won't magically turn your kid into something he's not.
      Second parents, blame yourself, that's right: "OMG, I can't believe it as a parent, you mean I am responsible for my child?" That's right you are. Now I understand that getting your child off the video games and making him do his chores, go out and play baseball or whatever is a legit problem, BUT that is not their problem it's yours. You set the rules, you let them spend eight hours a day online, if they're addicted blame the fact that you were too busy to monitor and structure their activities not the kid who's doing something he loves and wants to keep having fun, what do you think a child is going to do.
      Yes, video gaming can be addictive in a sense, because it's enjoyable, of course people want to keep doing things they enjoy. Another reason video gaming is addicting is because of the instant reward aspects and sense of accomplishment. It's an instant ego boost to those who are sometimes most in need of it. The popping of an Xbox achievement, the opening of a new weapon or outfit, it's instant gratification and reward which everyone loves. As parents it's your responsibility to monitor your child and tell them when enough is enough BEFORE it's out of hand and maybe get your kids involved in something else that gives them a sense of achievement. My boys are very proud of all their soccer trophies and the effort they put into getting them. If you find something else children can do to give them a sense of true achievement as well as physical and mental reward then video games will pale in comparison and be a hobby as intended instead of a lifestyle. As adults you should already know when to say enough for yourself, and if you don't it's not the game's fault it's yours.
       Also parent's should be aware that there are very few stores ( I have yet to see one) who will sell mature video games to children under 17 and they do check ID's. So if your children have these $60 video games someone (maybe you) bought them for them. It's your job to take the 5 whole minutes it will take to research a game or call a Game Stop and ask why it's rated the way it is before you say yes or even no to the new game that junior wants.
      While video games might be able to teach your child some of the tactics they use in police forces and military units to help keep them alive in horrible circumstances, they can not teach your child to be a murderer pressing a button and pulling a trigger are worlds apart, video games do not truly translate to real life and if you don't believe me and want see for yourself take that nine year old kid firing an M16 in a Battlefield game to a firing range, put a real M16 in their hands and see the difference, but you'll never be prepared for what you learn on that day, and don't say I didn't warn you.

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Instruction Set #4: Brushing Your Teeth.

      As parents one of the most daunting tasks we will face is getting our children to brush their teeth, well that and getting them to listen when we talk, clean their room, eat their vegetables (or anything that isn't pizza or Mac and Cheese), tell the truth, do their homework, go to bed on time, do their chores...wait why do we do this parent thing? Oh yeah the joy of parent hood...or the condom broke.
      I'm not sure why kids refuse to brush their teeth, the only theory I've come up with involves some malicious plot by the tooth fairy's evil brother Chad and the American Dental Association using subliminal adverting during cartoons to get kids to not brush so their teeth will rot then have to go to the dentist to get them pulled instead of putting healthy teeth under their pillow thereby subverting the economy of fairy land while making a profit for themselves, but it's only a theory. It's either that or kids are lazy you can decide for yourself.
       Seeing that I am going through this yet again here is a little guide to help children and their parents with the whole teeth brushing ordeal.

1) When we say you must brush at least twice that means a twice a DAY not just twice ever.
2) You must use a tooth brush, water AND toothpaste
3) It's called brushing your teeth not TOOTH they all need to be done not just that one. Remember kids you have back teeth as well....on both sides...top AND bottom.
4) The amount of toothpaste squeezed onto and into the sink should not exceed the amount you actually used to brush your teeth.
5) When brushing your teeth stay in the bathroom and over the sink, leaving a toothpaste and drool trail through the house because you went wandering just makes me wonder if the dog is having seizures.
6) When you spit, do it INTO the sink, and when you inevitably miss feel free to clean it up. Clean it off the sink, the mirror, the floor and anywhere else you managed to get it. Seriously boy this isn't something as complicated as hitting the toilet bowl when you pee, but that's a different lesson.
7) Wash the toothpaste off your face with water DO NOT wipe it onto the clean towel.
8) As parents you need to understand if you're not watching your child brush there is a series of "tricks" your children will employ and you should be aware of these shenanigans and their progression as well as the counter tactics both sides use.
    A) First comes the simple lie "I did brush my teeth"
          The Counter: " I never heard the water running"
    B) Now the child employs the: Stand there while running the water trick.
           The Counter: "Why is your toothbrush dry?"
    C) The next obvious stage is to actually wet the toothbrush with the running water.
          The Counter: "If you brushed your teeth why don't you smell like toothpaste?"
    D) The child now realizes that toothpaste must enter the mouth, so he/she with put some on their finger and essentially eat it while running the water.
           The Counter: You notice that despite smelling of toothpaste their is a chunk of Oreo cookie stuck in their front teeth.
     E) The child is now aware that you are paying attention and uses the 2 second front teeth brush. Giving up the pretense of an extended fake out session they instead spend mere seconds brushing the teeth you will see.
            The Counter: "You couldn't have possibly brushed your teeth that quick"
     F) Now depending on the sophistication of your child this is where the trickery could split off into any number of complicated variations and combination of the above list. All of which take way more effort and time than actually just brushing their teeth and getting it over with.
             The Counter: Give it up. Just stand there and watch your child brush, face it they have more energy and patience than us.
       Now finally I would like to say to all you adults out there don't forget to brush your own teeth. I'm not particularly concerned with your oral hygiene. What does concern me is trying not to gag when you begin talking to me. This goes double for you smokers. You may think you don't stink, but you do, we just wait until you leave the room to talk about it, trust me it's true.

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The old grey stallion ain't what he used to be.

      The fact that my birthday and my youngest son's birthday are only four days apart gives me a little perspective on the whole birthday "thing". Our birthdays just passed this week and our attitudes about them could not have been more different.
      To start with how we calculate our age is very different. My son is leaving the stage where you calculate age in fractions and entering the stage where you just skip to the next number entirely. I always thought the fraction stage was good for the math skills. "I'm 6 and a half, I'm 7 and three quarters, I'm 8 and 72/156th I'm 9 4/23 to the third power divided by pi". At some point I'm sure my son's age calculations were based in string theory.
       The next stage is jumping to the next age, skipping months of his life entirely.
"I'm eleven years old." 
"No your not."
"Well, almost"
"No, you turned 10 last Saturday."
      At some point you hit the stage when your happy with the age you are, this seems to be particularly true when you're 21.
      This is followed in turn by the time in your life when you are a certain age till the last possible second.
"so you're 28 now?"
"No! I'm 27!"
"Isn't today your birthday?"
"yes but I Wasn't born until 7:06 pm, Don't make me older than I am."
      Quickly following that is the stage where you nearly stop aging entirely and spend at least 5 years at 29 years old, and another 5 years at 39.
      Finally you get to the point where you stop caring and realize you've earned all those years and are comfortable with it. Unfortunately this doesn't last long enough because the next stage is the one where you can't remember how old you are and don't really care, and dammit I told you kids to get the hell off of my lawn.
      How you perceive aging on your birthday is hardly the most significant difference as you get older though, how you celebrate your special day changes drastically through the years for most of us.
       It starts with the family fawning over you as yo go through the toddler years until they get bored and just start sending cards and excuses, followed by the childhood birthdays with super heroes and the latest Disney "thing" decorating your house and the crash, bang, boom of sugar-high ten years old's wrecking your house. Which is by the way MUCH different from your twenties when the crash, bang, boom is booze addled numb-skulls wrecking your house.
      Our little one was overjoyed at the Spider-man and Iron Man decorations, having friends over, getting some cake and ice cream and of course the presents. I'm still confused about the whole giving presents thing though. Why do you get presents just because you were born? Shouldn't you give the presents to your parents as a gift for bringing you into the world? That just makes more sense to me but whatever.
       My birthday only a few days later was much different, I spent it shoe shopping for my son while coughing up a lung from a cold that won't leave and stressing about having to go in for an MRI the following morning. The previous year I spent my birthday in a high school office listening to an over protective, over involved, psycho parent make my son miserable, and the year before that I spent at home dealing with the effects of have my car totaled by a drunk driver. Not the best record lately and definitely different from the birthday that came after my own childhood Spider-man birthdays.
       After the kiddie parties come the coming of age, boy/girl parties that involve awkward conversation and spin the bottle games. My 14th birthday involved an epic food fight that had me scrubbing walls the entire next day. (Thanks again for that Mike G where ever you are, I was picking peperoni and cake out of various places for days).
      Into the twenties come the aforementioned drunken bashes that involve random hook-ups, girls who can't hold their liquor or find some articles of clothing and people who pass out...everywhere, in a related note I would like to sincerely apologize to the Rochester fire department as well as the neighbors across the street who just gave up and moved.
      If my older son is reading this, umm no I'm not talking about me, my friends and I had civilized gatherings involving tea and cookies and in depth discussions of Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil. There was not copious amounts of alcohol, sex, strippers or firemen  If any of my friends are reading this SHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
       When you get a little older and settle down the celebrations usually do as well. They go to smaller gatherings, then just you and the wife and extra special bonus birthday sex, and then its the wife and kids with those great home made cards.
      Finally it seems that birthdays become a reminder to call your doctor for another test that needs to be scheduled. That is of course unless you can make it to your 100th, then someone will remember to throw a party for you again. Of course those are similar to the infant parties you started out with, condescending relatives, no teeth to eat your cake with, and needing a diaper change and a nap half way through...I'm looking forward to it.

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The best friends are stuffed friends.

      Despite having a neighborhood full of kids to play with I still had imaginary friends, and not just one or two I actually commanded an imaginary army, uniforms and all. I never told anyone about this when I was a kid, not even my mom. People already thought I was a little too imaginative for my own good, so I kept a lot to myself. Other than my own personal killing force of hot girls and super human boys (yes, my army was "co-ed" I was very progressive even then), like most kids I also had a favorite stuffed animal; a bean-bag frog named Frederick, yes Fred the frog, not quite as original I know.
      I always held onto the memory of the comfort Fred would bring when I climbed into bed, especially after a bad day. Having a special friend that was only yours to comfort you, to cry on, or to hug your frustrations out with seemed like an important thing for a child to have so I always wanted to make sure my kids had one too.
      After you have a child there is no shortage of stuffed animals, you always pick out something you think your child will like and six dozen friends and relatives do the same. Your child's room quickly goes from a cute scattering of fluffy friends to a scene from a creepy horror movie where every time you enter the room you can feel hundreds of beady eyes on you waiting to rip off your limbs and use you as a throw rug...or maybe that's just me.
      In any case my boys always had more than enough stuffed animals to choose from and with rooms full of dust collecting fuzzballs wouldn't you know that both of them chose to befriend "furries" that belonged to someone else.
      When our oldest arrived we took great care in picking out some of the coolest and cutest stuffed animals we could find, and they accumulated, multiplied and collected dust as he got older. Mom in fact, took great pride in picking out what she thought was the perfect companion for our little "Monster", a big soft adorable dinosaur, but he wasn't interested.
       Now you need to know Mom herself was no stranger to the love of a good stuffed animal, and she still has possession of her childhood friend, a bear named Cindy. I can tell you Cindy was well loved, I some times pity the poor bear and swear I can hear it begging me to put it out of it's misery. Cindy more resembles Frankenbear than Teddy bear. Cindy has had more surgery than Joan Rivers and looks almost as bad. She is missing both eyes, has had her leg sown back on backwards and her poor squished face has been sown back on...I'm referring to the bear not Joan Rivers.
       Despite our combined knowledge of stuffed friends we failed to find the proper companion for our oldest, he on the other hand new what he wanted. One day he wandered into the pantry and found a bag of stuffed animals that was not his, grabbed a hold of a spotted leg and never let go again. He had picked what was to be his childhood companion, a stuffed dalmatian dog named Sprinkles.
      Our little monster took this dog everywhere for more years than I can count, Sprinkles became his best friend, his partner and his towel. We immediately noticed an unsettling similarity between them and Calvin and Hobbes, but psychological examinations proved our child was mostly normal....mostly.
      This relationship was a happy one that lasted through many repairs and washings, but despite our best attempts the black and white Sprinkles to this day has become very gray. Our oldest no longer carries Sprinkles everywhere he goes but he does sit prominently in his room.
      When our younger son came along we thought about our mistakes trying to find a friend for our oldest and bought a couple stuffed dogs and tigers to go along the bears and ducks and dinosaurs, again no luck. We thought for sure this amazingly soft German shepherd would be the one, but no luck.
       One day our little monkey boy wanders into our bedroom grabs a stuffed penguin of mine that was a gift from my wife ( I like penguins ok, and wolves and otters if your truly interested.) and proceeds to walk out of the bedroom hugging it...I never got it back.
      Like our oldest son's dalmatian "Ping" the penguin went EVERYWHERE with him for years, when we went to soccer games it was the stuffed penguin all the other regulars and even the players remembered and commented on. Cashiers and waitresses alike remembered us through Ping the Penguin just as they had Sprinkles the dog before him.
      One day out of no where I looked down and noticed my son didn't have Ping with him he had the amazingly soft German shepherd in his arms. "Where's Ping?" I asked, "He's home", and then he explained that "Shep" was softer. Apparently my son had loved all the soft off of Ping the penguin. For another couple years it was Shep that went everywhere with my son and everywhere we went people wanted to know where Ping was. That's right friends, acquaintances and strangers alike were asking about my son's stuffed penguin. Ping never really went anywhere as my son still cherishes him and never removed him from his place of honor on his bed.
       In case your wondering my wife did eventually replace my penguin with a new one, which I keep on a much higher shelf than before...just in case.

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Summertime Where the living is...HELL

      I know I may be in the minority when I say this but, I am so glad summer is on it's way out. Every year that passes I hate summer more and I am more giddy at the thought of September's arrival. I am completely mystified by leather-skinned sun worshipers and their summer loving kin.
      Let's start with the obvious; the heat. Nothing is more miserable than struggling through months of oppressive heat and humidity. For me oppressive heat starts when it gets above 70 degrees, and by the time it's in the high nineties every living creature within a hundred yard radius of me are in immediate danger of me turning into Tony Montana, bad Cuban accent and all.
      One of the retorts I've heard to my complaints about summer is "...But Paul, all these hot woman are running around in skimpy outfits." Yeah and...that's great and all, but the last thing I am thinking about when it's 95 degrees is sex in any form. I'm sorry but putting another 98 degree body against my own while small furry animals are bursting into flame around me is not appealing. Add physical exertion, friction and sweat and there's a good chance that someone will die horribly. When It's hot I don't want to be touched, I don't want to spoon, I don't want to cuddle on the couch I don't want to even see another human.
      Oh and hey all you who are defending summer and yelling at me to just get an air conditioner...shut up! You're telling me how much you love summer but you deal with it by creating artificial 65 degree environment, think about it.
      Work sucks during the summer because for 3 months half your work force is on vacation at any given time and those left behind are asked to pick up the slack while they're away, then when they come back you have to look at their stupid vacation photos and listen to their stories...We don't care!
       Then it gets to be your turn to go on vacation...Yeah! do you know what the best and most relaxing part of a vacation is? Getting home. Seriously Strange beds, hours in a car or a plane, airports, gas stations restaurants, schedules, itineraries, luggage, hotels, weird strangers packed into tourist traps, unfamiliar roads and traffic issues, sand in your underwear and god forbid you have kids to take, ARGH! it's terrible.
      How about road work? Nothing beats sitting in a sweltering car with the sun beating down on you when you're running late and the kids are complaining. Meanwhile dirty guys in orange vests are standing 6 inches from your car smelling like wet garbage making you wait while the equally wonderful smells of hot tar and diesel fuel add to the joy.
      During the summer crime rates soar and so does the number of assholes. Have you ever been woke up at 3 AM from some inconsiderate jackass blasting his car stereo or unsupervised teenagers running the streets so bad parents don't have to deal with them. How about putting up with loud obnoxious parties with losers who can't handle their booze, have lousy taste in music and who think it's ok to scream obscenities at the top of their lungs.
      Once summer ends sports gets good. Finally football is back, college and pro, followed by hockey and basketball. After having to put up with boring, slow baseball all summer we get real sports again, and even baseball finally gets a little interesting when it finally gets to the playoffs. Thank god football is back.
      After watching reruns and fill in shows all summer, the fall finally brings back real TV. I know nobody out there watches TV you're all marathon running, orchestra conducting, classics reading, Frasier wannabe's right? I call bullcrap. I like to wind down at night to some good TV and the fact that U.S. homes average more than two TV's says so do you.
      If you're a gamer you know the summer is a long dry spell of nothing, and as soon as fall hits so do all the great games. If you want to run to the video store and grab a new DVD your out of luck since nothing comes out but straight to video garbage. For me I used to love the summer blockbuster movie season but in the last few years even that has become a giant garbage heap where you're very lucky to find one or two things worth spending $15 a ticket for.
     For me "The good life" begins begins in September. I can spend the weekends with friends and family drinking a few beers comfortably watching a good game. I can drink milk again. I can smile at the return of my favorite shows or play a new game without worrying about my console or computer overheating or me sticking to a chair. I can rent a movie from the newly stocked shelves or I can just pull up a blanket and get comfortable in my chair with a good book and a coffee, tea or hot chocolate, and best of all I can joyfully cuddle with my wife without feeling like I'm trying to make Sarcastic Dad soup. But beyond it all, the greatest thing in the world about the end of summer is the fact that my kids go back to school.
     

    

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Instruction Set #3: Doing the dishes

      Continuing the series of instructions for my children, and the proper way to carry out chores and responsibilities, today we discuss doing the dishes. This is long overdue since the right way to do dishes is a never ending point of contention in our house.

1) YES!, the dishes do need to be done every night. If we cooked, ate or used dishes and cookware for anything, they need to be washed, and stop looking so shocked every time I tell you that.

2) When you put away the dry dishes you should actually put them away. Leaving them on the table the stove or any other convenient surface is NOT put away.

3) Use HOT water. We bought you those pretty pink rubber gloves so your delicate skin is protected, now turn the hot water up and kill some germs. Your arguments that if you just use cold water you can freeze the germs or that the germs will get fed up and move to Florida are not legit, give it up.

4) When cleaning dishes it is mandatory that ALL the food is removed from each piece. There is no acceptable amount of meat, sauce, or cheese that can be left on the "clean" dish. No, we are not saving it for later, No, it is not close enough. Just no.

5) Finish the job. Do not walk away with a half dozen things left in the sink then say "But..the dish strainer is full." How about you grab a towel, dry a few things and just finish the job. I swear the extra five minutes to finish the job will not leave you too exhausted to text.
     A) On a side note how the hell are you texting while doing the dishes anyway?
     B) Can you just refill the damn ice cube tray please?

6) The dirty pan on the stove or the plate your lazy brother left on the kitchen table, do you see them? Yes you do, stop pretending you don't. They are dirty dishes and need to be washed. Hiding pots and pans inside the stove then saying you didn't know they were there is also not a good idea, but nice try.

7) Clean up. When you are done doing the dishes do not leave stray food sitting in the sink, do not try to stuff it down the drain, clean it out. Wipe off the sink, and if while doing the dishes you managed to flood the kitchen clean it up, the fact that your baby brother has turned the kitchen into an indoor slip and slide is a clue that you made a mess. Besides, last time he bumped his head on the refrigerator, and seriously that boy can't take anymore brain damage.

8) A dishwasher is NOT a necessity that's why we had kids. An XBox, a 42" LCD HD TV, and the NFL package THOSE are necessities. Get your priorities straight.

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An open letter from America's television executives.

Dear TV viewer:       With the new fall television schedule quickly approaching, we the television networks and executives would like to take this time to thank you. We would like to thank you not only for your viewership but for your choices as well.
      America's desire to watch reality TV is saving us millions of dollars so thank you. Why pay talented writers and story tellers who have spent their entire lives perfecting their craft and wanting nothing more than to weave an intricate plot line, make you think or even make you laugh when you can watch a bunch of talentless amateur "singers" beg Simon the twit for a chance to embarrass themselves. I mean seriously you people are still watching American Idol? Even we figured you'd be bored with this repetitive snooze fest by now or pissed off when we started fabricating and orchestrating contestants, but no! You still watch this crap on a stale cracker.Wow! Joss Whedon may be a genius writer but his shows are very expensive so thanks for giving us a reason to cancel them all while you watch this garbage.
      The funniest shows on television may be Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Better Off Ted, but why watch those when when you can watch pseudo celebs and washed up athletes dance badly,ooooh now that's intriguing TV. Of course you didn't watch Better Off Ted so we got to cancel that, Phew thanks we were about to have to pay for a third season of what was easily one of the funniest shows we had ever seen.
      We have been able to cancel dozens of great but expensive shows thanks to your limited attention spans and low IQ's. We saved millions canceling great shows like Firefly, Flash Forward and Wonderfalls. As TV execs we hate Sci-fi and action shows, do you have any idea how much they cost to make?
       Also on the money front is actors. Did you guys know that we have to pay them? it's ridiculous why should we pay amazing actors like Nathan Fillion, Eliza Dushku, and Neil Patrick Harris when we can throw a bimbo into a room with 20 horny guys and watch as she whores herself out because she's so desperate for a husband that selling her self-respect is not an issue. Or we can just toss a bunch semi-retarded gym rats looking for 15 minutes of fame and a quick payday together and watch the worst of humanity play out, and you idiots...I mean loyal viewers will eat it up.
      We'd like to send a special thank you out to viewers of Jersey Shore so here we go...HAHAH just kidding we know Jersey Shore viewers can't read.
      The great thing is that even when we do have to make a "real" TV show we can just rip off a show that already exists and make yet another copy of it and you as TV viewers will be completely satisfied since you won't have to be challenged by trying anything new, because we know that's scary. In fact in the works we have an all CSI network where every state gets it's own show. Also we have Law and Order 47, The Generic Bad Detective Show, Yet another JAG rip off, and of course more crappy Xeroxed hospital soap operas than you can shake a stick at.
      We've gotten so good at reality shows that we're even making a fake reality show called My Generation this season but we figure none of you are smart enough to figure it out, so make sure you watch that instead of great new shows like No Ordinary Family, The Event or The Chase. Those shows have talented writers, actors and a cool premise but since they will cost a fortune we want them canceled so we can start the new reality show called "Dance Your Fat Ass Off: Idiots will watch".
        So thanks America for being satisfied by every piece of laughable crap we throw out there. Thanks for thinking that talentless morons with no self-respect, whoring themselves out for a chance to be on television is interesting enough to garner your precious time. Thanks for not wanting to have to think, we understand that following a story, character or plot is too much effort for your soggy brains and we can respect that. Thanks for not making us spend money on great shows with talented writers and actors, all that money we save means our year end bonuses are huge.
        In conclusion remember, whatever you do don't watch the best shows on television like Castle, Big Bang Theory, and Fringe (yeah, that ones scary huh? It has sci-fi elements. it must go). Whatever you do DON'T watch this seasons best new shows like No Ordinary Family or The Chase because if you watch these great new action shows it will cost us a fortune to keep making them. Just stay in your comfort zone, don't try anything new, don't challenge yourself in the least and whatever you do don't give any credit to the people with talent.
Thank You America
From all the unscrupulous, greedy execs.
          

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Apparently we raised poodles.

      Both my boys are very social.  Every parent-teacher conference we've had involved a discussion about the boys social behavior. Their need to get up and wander and to hold conversations at inappropriate times were always among the topics.
      The little one has no hang-ups about making friends, we can go anywhere and within five minutes he's fully entrenched in a half dozen new friendships. I've set him up with a couple age appropriate MMO games and I'm shocked at the fact that I get him started and walk awayand by the time I check in on him he has 200 friends!. When I jump into something like Guild Wars or Conan I'll be lucky if I feel comfortable running one quest with another player, which leaves my friends list as empty as the Buffalo Bills trophy case.
      The only time any of this becomes a problem is when company comes to the house. From the moment someone comes to door our youngest turns into one of those annoying yappy little dogs and I suddenly have to be the Kid Whisperer.
       Wherever the house guest shall go a small child will follow, so I'm just glad the bathroom door locks for their sake. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it is to sit down and have a child staring at you waiting for a biscuit and a belly rub. The actual doggy yapping though is replaced by questions and episodes of show and tell. The biting and nipping is replaced by attempts at play fighting and roughhousing, and the leg humping is, well, pretty much in tact.
       I know My older son is laughing and nodding at this, BUT, we went through the same thing with him as well. In fact on one occassion when he thought he wasn't getting enough attention from comapany he grabbed a pair of scissors, snuck up on his mother and chopped off a chunk of her hair.
      This is obviously behavior we try to discourage and despite the fact that my wife has seen every episode of "The Dog Whisperer" and "It's Me Or The Dog"...twice (groan) we haven't yet been able to break him of this behavior.
      Those of you saying "Hey, there's your problem you can't raise a kid like a dog."  well you obviously haven't raised both kids and dogs. That's why they make both baby gates and dog gates, as well as kid and dog leashes, not to mention toilet locks.Have you ever tried to keep dogs and kids from playing in the toilet? They're really not much  different are they?
      Try leaving either of them in a room with their food in reach, either way when you come back the floor is now covered in crumbs, and for that matter both will eat anything they find on the ground. How many times have you had to pull random stuff out of the mouths of dogs and kids because you're not sure what they ate.
      They both will chew on anything when they are teething and put EVERYTHING in their mouths whether it's food or not. My sister chewed the varnish of her crib and I have pictures of my oldest son eating my coffee table.
      How much time do you spend trying to toilet train them both, and until they are trained either of them will just go wherever and whenever they want,to be honest it's actually easier to toilet train a dog.
     Maybe the solution is to treat children more like dogs. I'll take them to the park to wear them out before leashing them in the yard and then crate them for the night. Also with my oldest son's social behavior I think it's time to call the vet about neutering.
      If I had to do it all again I'd just get a couple Huskies. They may not be able to do chores but at least they won't give you attitude if you ask them to.
 
     

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The Cookie Rule...Revised.

    I know for a fact my youngest son can count and very well to be honest. The one exception is the "Cookie Rule". This rule states that when mom or dad say you can have ONE cookie the child's brain translates this one into a five, and sure enough five delicious chocolate chip cookies are consumed. I may take some blame for this particular brain damage since it's the same as my "Beer Rule".
      I was completely unaware until recently that the "Cookie Rule"  had other applications, but my son is very adaptable and apparently so is the "Cookie Rule".
  When it's time to jump into the car, for even a short ride, my little one will bring something to entertain himself for the ten minutes before he falls asleep. Usually it will be his Nintendo DS or a book.
      The other day as we are heading out he decided to bring his DS and along with it a stack of ten games, boxes and all. This left him precariously balancing the DS and a foot high stack of plastic boxes while trying to get out the door.
      "No, just bring one game."
       "One? I'll be bored"
       "We'll only be gone a half hour"
        "That's too long, I'll be bored with just one."
This is coming from the kid who can watch the same episode of "iCarly" eight times...in a row.
        "I said, bring just one, besides you'll be asleep before you can get bored."
        "I'm not tired."
         "One."
He stomps off into his bedroom where there is a small commotion followed  by junior running by me and out to the car. When I get to the car there my sweet and innocent demon spawns sits with a lap full of games, five of them to be exact.
       "I thought I told you to bring one. That's not one that's five."
       ."But it's closer to one."
Running late I choose not to argue get into the car and pull into the street and sure enough I look over and he's asleep.
     

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Further proof....

      Back on July 9th I did a post stating my thoughts about the need for parent licensing and classes, you can find it in the blog archive if you missed it, or need a refresher. In any case I would like to present further proof that some people need serious help when it comes to parenting and just because you can make a child it doesn't mean you should be allowed to.
      Children are not pets, nor are they a way for you to make your stoner friends laugh, they are not a way for you to make a statement or a way to prove to the world how unique you are, and you should remember this when naming your child.
       Don't get me wrong I love different names. god knows the world has plenty of John's and Jennifer's and something a little different is a great thing, but there comes a point when you, trying to make a statement, are bordering on child abuse.
      This all became sand in my shorts when I started noticing a trend of parents throwing Y's and Q's against the wall and deciding that was a good girl name, or slamming two different names together for a boy and deciding that works. Let me tell you that making a name unpronounceable to the rest of the world does your child no favors socially or on a job hunt. What boss is going to want to hire someone whose clients can never pronounce your name or who will be a running joke in the office. Yes, that's right when you leave the room people make fun of you, I've seen it more times then I can count, along with the eye rolling and head shaking that comes when you name your child Chyniquya, Q'Antity, Uhlleejshaor, Q’ashaani-Ja’de or even Anfernee, Tay'Sh'awn and Oranjello. Just stop it these names are not names, they are not words, they are not in any way related to...anything... EVER and you are dooming your child to never rise above sales associate. Their will never be a president Taqiyya or Shantanique or Shanequa and right now the spell checker on my computer is having an aneurysm over these "real" names.
      Next come the people that think the entire rule set for the English language changes because they say so. For example the name Chyna, which I've seen a few times, is pronounced China not sha-nay. You can get mad at us all you want for mispronouncing it but it won't change the fact that your WRONG. If you make up new words and think the rest of the world should change the rules of the English language just for you then you are an egotistical lunatic.
      Speaking of breaking the rules of the English language, the first of two recent incidents that inspired me to write this came from breaking this rule. Recently a mother made an appearance at a local school so she could have a hissy fit and scream at all the teachers at this school for mispronouncing her daughter's name insisting on the stupidity and ignorance of the teachers for incorrectly pronouncing such a simple name. Now I'm going to type it here and then I want you to take a moment to pronounce it yourself....Ready.... A-ia...I'll wait you go ahead and pronounce it....................

         Anyone have a guess? Well according to psychotic mommy dearest this very simple name is pronounced - A dash ya...that's right in her world she couldn't understand why teachers well versed in the English language weren't saying the dash. apparently in her world punctuation is pronounced. so no longer is that girl you dated your ex-girlfriend she's now your ex dash girlfriend. Me personally I can apostrophe t stand stupidity exclamation point...see doesn't work does it...question mark.
        People regularly name their children after other things. Please be careful not to repeat these mistakes I've seen like Sparkle, Apple, Cinderella, Master, Budweiser, Espn, Scatman, Prada, God, Batman, Joker and Kal-El (for those of you who don't know Nic Cage named his son Kal-El which is Superman's alien name) there are many many more that would shock you but I was just giving you a small sample.
         The latest incident, the one that made me have to write this because I just couldn't take anymore involve people who choose their child's name because it's funny. I knew someone when I was younger named Rob Banks, while it was slightly amusing the play on words wasn't going to destroy his life. This may not be so for the children I'm about to mention, and I swear to you this is real. There is a local four year old boy who will proudly tell you that his name is Blue. That in and of itself isn't TOO bad. The mistake was asking for the rest of his name. This little boys full name is Blue Balls Johnson...I'm not joking. Blue has a sister as well, his sister's name is Giana which dad proudly says is pronounced jy-na, I wouldn't even ask for the middle name. I walked away in disgust. I believe naming your son Blue Balls Johnson and your daughter after her body parts is child abuse, and people like this have no right to be allowed to raise a child.
          You've now subjected these children to an entire lifetime of ridicule and abuse because you were trying to be funny. It's not funny it's sick and cruel and he should have his kids taken away.
           I love different, I tried to be different naming my kids but there are limits and there is a difference between original and cruel. There is a difference between unique spelling and making up your own rules. You may think your being clever but it's your child who has to live with it and struggle with it, so get off the ego trip and and use some common sense just like your kids will when they turn 18, change their name and never speak to you again....wait maybe they were on to something after all.

     
     
   

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I'm Batman...except...you know...straight.

      In 30 plus years I had never seen a bat, but in the last few years I've had a half dozen of them fly into my house and I spent last night tracking down and capturing yet another one and in fact it was the biggest one I've seen to this point. For those concerned, yes it was safely released back into the wild.
       I think this is a sign and I'm taking it seriously this time. Yes, that's right I'm taking the next step and changing my name to Bruce Wayne. I think I'd make an excellent Batman.
       To start with I am definitely a "child of the night". My wife says, that, combined with my hairy...everything, makes me a werewolf not Batman but hey this is my story and I'm sticking to it. I only wear dark colors, and I tend to attract psychopaths (have you met my family and my ex's?). I mean if Val Kilmer can play the caped crusader I sure as hell can. I suppose if I tried hard enough I could even do Christian Bale's ridiculous Batman voice, so why not go for it.
        I'm going to start looking for my Batcave today I figure with the real estate market what it is I can probably pick one up pretty cheap, and with low APR financing maybe even a new Batmobile.
       Tomorrow I'll put an ad out for my girl wonder...yes, GIRL-wonder. What? I'm not stupid, if I'm going to have some teenager running around in a Mardi Gras mask, boy shorts and spandex it's going to be a chick Grayson not a Dick Grayson.
      I mean I respect the original Bruce's lifestyle choice, it's just not for me. Those of you who are shocked by this thought are the same people who didn't know that Scooby-Doo was a stoner cartoon.
      Come on, Bruce has a history of bringing young boys; Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, and Tim Drake into his big mansion and making them jump around in skimpy outfits for Alfred and himself. I mean The one time he brought in a girl Robin, Stephanie Brown, Batman stripped her of the title almost immediately and refused to acknowledge her as a past robin even after her presumed death. So even though I think The original Bruce was a great role model for the gay community I'll have to do it differently.
        In fact there should be a couple more gay and lesbian superheroes, what we need less of is gay vampires. If 10% of the population is homosexual then why are 100% of vampires gay?
        When I first saw Interview with a vampire I just thought the vampires were effeminate because it was Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt playing the parts, but apparently not. Ever since Anne Rice decided that all vampires were descendants of Richards Simmons every vampire I see is gay. I watch True Blood with the wife and sure enough gay vampires everywhere. Twilight's Edward...gayest man alive and don't try and deny it, the dude sparkles like RuPaul on disco night. There is even a list of books that have gay vampires as characters that is now numbering 141, and doesn't even include the Twilight books. What's with all the vamp's coming out of the coffin suddenly. Dracula would turn over in his grave if he didnt want to avoid disturbing the Latin boy he picked up at Nathan Lane's last night. I always said that Vampires represent the feminine while Werewolves represent the masculine (Zombies represent Fox News viewers) and apparently I'm not alone in the belief.
         I don't care who or what you sleep with, I'm a strong proponent of gay rights, I was thrilled when Prop 8 was killed, and Neil Patrick Harris is one of my favorite people on the planet but enough is enough with the gay vampires...now lesbian vampires that's a different story.
      
      

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Hall of Fame Game Day.

    In honor of today being the start of pre-season football I've decided to do my Facebook Fanpage daily updates as a post. Mostly because this weeks sports news lends itself to some sarcasm. I know this isn't my normal kind of post here but I felt like doing something a little different today feel free to comment and tell me how much you hate it.

                                                       THE HALL OF FAME GAME
 Today kicks off pre-season football with the annual Hall of Fame Game. This years game could be played in San Quentin instead of Canton, Ohio since it features the Dallas Cowboys versus the Cincinnati Bengals. Two of the teams with the longest police blotters in the history of the NFL. 

       The Dallas Criminals errr Cowboys history of criminal activity started in 1970 when Lance Rentzel was arrested for indecent exposure for exposing himself to a 10 year old. He did this while he was married to famed sex symbol Joey Heatherton one of the most beautiful woman on the planet at the time. The Cowboys arrests continued through fullback Deon Anderson's arrest this year for deadly conduct for threatening a restaurant employee with a gun. 

      Other Cowboy infractions include DOZENS of drug, DUI and weapons charges. Several arrests for beating woman. There was also a few other incidents involving sexual assault and abuse of children including Rafael Septian pleading guilty to a LESSER charge of aggrivated child molestation of a 10 year old he had been accused of sleeping with. Septian's punishment was a $2000, fine not prison. The judge was a fan. Not to mention the vehicular manslaughter of two people trying to pull a driver from a burning vehicle on the side of a Dallas freeway,. I guess Dwayne Goodrich couldn't see the burning car until his BMW hit it at 110 mph, he of course fled the scene. There is not one BUT TWO cases of different Cowboy players stealing their OWN mothers life savings and many, and MANY more incidents. America's Team? Yeah I guess it's a good thing that they gave themselves that moniker isn't it.

Cincinnati though leads the league over the last 10 years with 32 arrests in that time span. That's right 32! In the last ten years, BAD KITTIES, No super bowl for you, followed by Minnesota with 30.

                                                               NASCAR's  FUTURE

       NASCAR fans still deny it's a redneck sport but...

NASCAR is touting 12 year old driver Grey Gaulding as the future of the sport. When Grey was asked about possible future accomplishments in the sport he said " You know really I don't know, but I just gotta thank my sponsor gunbroker.com." Yup, the 12 year old's sponsor sells guns-online.
       His father Dwayne was quoted "There ain't no other sponsor come along I feel comfortable with." 

Nope no rednecks here.

                                                 GO GO GREEN RANGER

      Maybe just maybe former actor Jason David Frank is a bad-ass after all. The actor who once portrayed the green power ranger in the Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger's TV show made his MMA debut this week at Texas Cage Fighting's "Puro Combate" in Houston, TX. Not only did the former actor hold his own but he "owned" his opponent beating professional boxer Jose "Garfield" Vasquez in just 46 seconds. With a rear naked choke. No rubber suited monsters and no hot pink ranger to distract the bad guy. Frank didn't stick around for interviews though as his Zord was double parked. No word on his next fight, though Lord Zedd claims that Frank is ducking him.

                                                         AND BY THE WAY

Today Brett Favre is Retired Playing Retired Playing

Albert Haynesworth finally passed Redskins conditioning test. They simplified it for him, New test was "Just run to Wendy's and get yourself a frosty...here take my car."

    

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Dream On

     Not many people have heard of Quinn Pitcock who was an All-American defensive lineman at famed Ohio State University and drafted by the Indianapolis Colts in 2007. Not many have heard of Quinn because he quit football in 2008 due to bouts of depression and video game addiction.
      I'm a gamer as well, and I have been since the day my step-father brought home a Pong console he had bought off another drunk at a bar. As much as I love games I couldn't imagine giving up my dreams for them. I imagine Pitcock had worked his way through Pee Wee's and high school then college to get to the NFL. I imagine the NFL was a dream for Pitcock.
      Everyone has dreams, I'm sure no one wanted to run a cash register or dig ditches. I had several dreams growing up. I wanted to be a race car driver until I got my license and realized I hated driving. I wanted to be an archeologist but only like Indians Jones. I wanted to be a pirate but I hate water. I wanted to be Han solo, but the whole needing a spaceship thing is ruining that. I wanted to be a Wookie and all I got was really hairy. I also wanted to play  left-wing for the Penguins. Other than being a writer my most enduring dream had been to play linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
      I couldn't wait to get to high school to start my dream. I showed up at my first high school practice so excited I could barely breathe. The first several days were nothing but running and calisthenics though. Every chance I got though I went to the coach and asked him if I could play linebacker. A couple weeks in to it coach decided we were going to have a scrimmage against the varsity. So naturally I ran up to coach and did my, let me play linebacker song and dance,  he agreed.
      All geared up and fired up I lined up for the first play. I was starting to live my dream. I flexed my fingers, snarled and watched the receiver go in motion and I listened to the QB's cadence. I saw the running back twitch and scan my side of the field, It's a running play I just new it, and I was right.
      The tight end fired off the line and came right at me, I saw him grinning like a fool just before he made contact with me . The next thing I saw was a gray August sky. Coach was kneeling over me "Harmon, you ok?" I could barely breathe so coach leaned in to hear what I was saying. "Coach, can I play tight end?"
      I still want to play linebacker for the Steelers I'm just not delusional enough to think it can still happen, but I still do have dreams, I still dream of being a writer and I am giving it one last shot. My oldest Son has always wanted to be a pro soccer player. He's still young enough to give it a shot, and I worry when he acts like he's done with his dream. He wants to get a job and start a normal boring life, I say "Son take every shot, no matter how crazy, at your dreams before you settle, or you'll regret it." I support you.
        Life is hard when you're miserable and unsatisfied. Life is impossible when you have nothing to dream about. Quinn Pitcock is in Seahawks training camp this summer giving his dream another shot. I'm here taking one too. Don't ever give up on dreams, even if an unforeseen hit changes it's direction, even that's progress, and if anyone knows where I can get a hold of a Millennium Falcon cheap please let me know.

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The first rule in the zombie survival guide is-

ALWAYS FIGHT WITH A FRIEND

THE ULTIMATE IN CO-OP GAMING

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"One's never alone with a rubber duck" - Douglas Adams

    As I stare dumbfounded at the water running across my floor I think back fondly to an hour ago when getting my nine year old into the shower seemed like a good idea. It should be a simple thing right.? I mean we all take showers every day...most of us take showers every day.
    The process begins with convincing him to take the shower. What starts as a simple request usually degenerates into a yelling of orders and stomping through the house. Once parental control is restored it is imperative that the ducky towel and it's acceptable washcloth pairing are located.
    Next comes the water preparation, and apparently my son has the skin of a burn victim since the amount of time and micro adjustments to water temperature usually involve advanced calculus and NASA instrumentation.
     Finally with the shower running and child in it we can relax...um no. The constant reminders to actually wash using shampoo and soap are absolutely necessary to avoid later arguments like "...but you never told me." and "I didn't know." As are reminders of where to wash, trust me little boys lose track of all their parts. Later in life guys don't have that problem, we never forget to wash our "parts"...usually twice.
      So I go about my business thinking the running water and the squeaking rubber duck means all is well. The sudden pitter patter of wet feet tell me different, but my investigation reveals no naked, wet children wandering about.
      Unaware of any problems I went to retrieve my child from his shower. As I approached the bathroom the horror of leaving my child unsupervised for the eternity that is 10 minutes became evident. As Noah and his ark passed by me I waved politely and climbed into the boat now docked down the hall from the bathroom and made my way to my pre-teen Poseidon.
       I followed the river to it's source and docked my boat at the bathtub. The open shower curtain still allowing a torrent of water to flow out onto the tile floor. I yelled to my child and pointed out what he had done when he left the shower for his wet walkabout, his only response was "Oh".
      Well at least when I asked him why he left the shower in the first place he had a good reason... "I don't know."

     

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My son's " League of Evil Ex's"

      My eldest son hasn't been around very much lately so I'm not getting as much good material from him (pout). So I guess I’m forced to talk about his absence, sorry buddy, it’s out of my hands.
      My son has either been with my brother or with his new girlfriend. Actually I have to check if he's still, unconvincingly, denying the relationship; even his little brother doesn't believe him. You haven't seen funny until you've see a nine year old step up to a 19 year old and say "Oh yeah, then look me in the eye and say that." followed by "Yeah, you're lying."
      I actually approve of his new "friend" (There, is that better my child?) First off she was reading my blog and such before they even started hanging out, and that's a definite plus (Heya K). Second is the fact that she can read at all, that’s a new skill amongst his girl pool.
      I always wanted him to date someone like Juno (minus the early pregnancy). Someone smart and funny and with taste that is down to earth and has a sense of self as well as self-confidence. Instead he usually goes to the other end of the Diablo Cody spectrum dating girls like Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body (minus Megan Fox’s looks). Girls who are insecure man eaters, with bad attitudes and no brain.
      I'm not one of those parents that believe no one is good enough for their kids, I just haven't approved of most of the members of my son's “League of Evil Ex's”.
      Whether his ex’s were here scouting earth before the alien invasion force arrived or had just done a stint in woman’s correctional, I always believed he could do better. Instead of aiming lower, due to his self esteem issues he really should have been looking for a girl whose family wasn’t featured in a Fox animated TV show…or a Fox reality show.
No, being on cops AND Jerry Springer DOES NOT qualify you as a television star.
No, it is not funny how much her family reminds you of the Soprano’s.
No, that is not normal behavior for a brother and sister.
No, I will not feel better about it when the penicillin clears up her “problem”.
No, it is not cool that her mom paid for her “tramp stamp”.
No, I’m not being racist; green with antennae and a mustache is NOT a race.
No, I don’t think orange jump suits are “sexy”.
      I know everyone of us can probably claim our own "League of Evil Ex's", in fact I'll bet I'm probably on someone else's list. But my son will see bright, flashing neon signs over these girls that read "EVIL" and his response will be to put on sunglasses.

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First conversation of the day.

    I had a couple seconds of my young son's valuable time this morning while in the car, before Cartoon network, Disney channel and the neighborhood's future criminals distracted him.

Dad: "So, how are you going to annoy me today?"
Son: Looking up from his book he turns to me. " What makes you think I'm going to annoy you today?"
Dad: "History, I'm just playing the odds."
Son: " Well maybe I won't. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, I haven't decided yet."

I get the feeling I'm in for a long day. When does school start again?

  


   

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76% of Americans...

    ...prefer short blogs. :)

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Books: From Scott Pilgrim to Edgar Allan Poe to my kids.

    "This is Gideon. When would it be convenient for you to die?"
     It's been 16 months since that infamous phone call to Scott Pilgrim at the end of Scott Pilgrim Volume 5. Here I sit impatiently, knowing that Amazon has shipped Volume 6, the last volume of a journey that has lasted six years. I'm excited and sad that this story is ending dispite the fact that in August these books are getting the big screen and video game treatment.
     This is due to my special relationship with books. Please forgive all the pretty links you're about to see but I want to make sure I share with all of you a passion of mine. I love books, all kinds of them from comics and graphic novels to every kind of fiction and non-fiction you can think of.
     I can't seem to get around the idea of a Kindle or a Nook. I mean I sure do get the convenience of having all your books portable on a small computer. Sure it saves on space and the books are actually cheaper, but for me it's not the same. I love the feel of a book in my hand and turning pages, I love going to a book store and picking something out and the smell and feeling when you first crack it open. Am I weird? maybe .
      My love affair with books started young, very young before kindergarten, I learned to read early and so did my kids. The first memory of my love of books was an old hardcover from 1942 call Smilin' Jack and the daredevil girl pilot. After that I soaked up anything I could get which included a lot of Spider-Man and Fantastic Four comics.
    I have great memories of going to the five and dime with my grandmother and picking out new paperbacks every week including a copy of the first Star Wars novel for 95 cents. I also remember taking books off her shelf and reading them including The original Red Dragon hard cover, which at about 13 I was way too young to read, but changed my life none the less.
    That book was probably the reason I discovered how great horror could be and the reason I discovered Stephen King. Now I own every book he's ever written, and still remember fondly my mother bringing me home a copy of The Dead Zone when I was bed-ridden with the flu. To this day Christine and The Stand along with F Paul Wilson's The Keep are still among my favorite books despite having now read hundreds.
     I was one of the few in high school who was fine with reading Shakespeare, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Outsiders. These are books I still love and if you haven't read them you really should. I carried books with me everywhere even back then, from football practice to lunch, of course I usually kept it stuck away somewhere.
     I still get a huge thrill out of discovering new authors. I recently found an author I fell in love with by the name of Gillian Flynn who's two novels Sharp Objects and Dark Places re-inspired my love of mystery novels and Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy is inspiring everyone's imagination from housewives to Hollywood, not just me.
     My house is filled top to bottom with every kind of book from Spider-Man and Star Wars to Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes. From philosophy and biographies to superheroes and axe murderers and dozens of sports books and  I think they are beautiful.
     So you're probably asking "Other than sharing an obsession Paul, what's the point?" Well, the point is my oldest son hates reading so much that he claims to be allergic to books. That's right I can't get my son to read and it kills me. He was able to read before entering kindergarten like me and his brother. When he was in second grade he passed a junior high reading test and seemed to love reading but by third grade he was way too cool for books.
    I've made deals with him, offered him allowance based on reading not chores, and of course threatened  and harassed him to no avail. I've bought him books for every interest he's shown from basketball and soccer to Halo. The boy has actually talked himself into allergies from reading. Seriously, how do you give yourself hives from reading. I had a moment of hope In the bookstore the other day when he actually showed interest in a book ...called "Asshole-ology: The science behind getting your way- and getting away with it". The moment was over. I'm sad because it's a long way from the same kid who asked to be read The Sheep Who Was Allergic to Wool and the Monster at the End of this book  every single night over and over. I still have some hope as my youngest seems to want to read and has two books going right now, but it's a little touch and go.
    Reading is important to me and my wife, who herself goes through books like tic tacs. Not just because we know the simple joy that a book can bring but because we also understand how it can help your brain continue to grow and how books can actually help your vocabulary and articulation which are very important for quality social interaction and your future in the job market. Want to impress a potential employer? Then try being able to communicate like a grown-up with a brain versus going into an interview saying "S'up man, g'head axe me sum things." Seriously that happened...needless to say his application was in the trash before he was out the door.
     Please continue to read and encourage your children to do so. My best friend is doing an incredible job on this front with his daughter and she's a brilliant, articulate, and amazing little girl. No bad can possibly come from it. Unless maybe your terrified of paper cuts or The Monster at the End of the Book.

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The car ride blues

    When my youngest son was still just a wee pain in the butt, y'know diapers, bottles and the such, driving anywhere with him was a nightmare. It wouldn't take long after putting him in his car seat before he would start screaming, red faced and tear covered.
    We tried everything, getting a bigger and more comfy car seat, blocking the wind, the sun, and alien microwaves. We tried turning the radio off and on as well as every type of music. We tried toys and juice and crackers leaving my car covered in sticky crumbs. It didn't matter what we did any car ride meant dealing with my son screaming like a Crystal Lake camper, or like me the day they canceled Firefly (side note if you didn't revel in the greatness of Firefly I curse you).
    Flash forward a few years (By the way Flash Forward is another great show that got canceled what the hell are you people watching out there anyway?) Now this same child who tortured his loving and patient parents (loving and patient means frazzled and wore down for you non-parents) this same child to whom a ten minute car ride meant ten minutes of torture and horror, to this exact same child this exact same ten minutes now means nap time. That's right inevitably any car ride that lasts ten minutes will Now...NOW put my son sound asleep. Seriously this is the definition of a cosmic joke on parents.
    At nine months old a car ride meant misery at nine years old it means nap time, go figure. Then again as a child my oldest was quiet and sweet and a complete angel, now as an "adult" if I can get him to stop whining and complaining for 30 seconds it's either because he wants something or he's eating. I guess my kids are backwards, I'm sure it's their mother's fault.

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I Hate Pants!

    First off to clarify for my much beloved British readers I understand that in the Queens English pants means underwear but I mean Jeans, slacks, trousers, strides, kex, kegs, breeches, breeks or trews not underwear. Now back to the subject, my pants.
     I hate pants. I hate them so much that first thing I do when I come into the house is take them off, sometimes before my coat of even my shoes, which by the way reminds me I hate falling on my face too. The sooner I can get into something comfortable like sweats or shorts (even in the middle of winter) the better.
      I don't know exactly where this hatred of  "bottom wear" came from. I never had any traumatic pant experiences I was never abused or violated by pants I just know that they seem unnatural to me like ties and jewelry do.
     Pants didn't even become a standard clothing until the 16th century, and can be traced back to Iranian Scythians, and Achaemenid Persians (the Middle East to simplify). So we've only been wearing pants for about 25% of modern human history. I am seriously looking forward to the day some rapper decides to wear robes, tunics or kilts and they become the height of fashion. Wouldn't Sean John or South Pole brand kilts be great?
      For that matter neckties really started during the Thirty-Years War (1618-1648) when Croatian mercenaries  in French service wore traditional neckerchiefs which caught the attention of Parisians. Colored neckerchiefs and Paris fashion...hmmm doesn't sound very manly to me.
      My poor children have to endure issues regarding my trouser hatred as well since it has inspired some weird house rules. For example if you are wearing jeans or slacks you can't go barefoot. If you want to be sock-less you must be pant-less and go put on shorts or sweats. Also no white pants after Labor day because that's just tacky. Most Importantly NO sagging pants.
     Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this fashion disaster. This is not a good look, this is not a cool look the only advantage it has, is that it immediately makes it obvious who the douche bag in the room is, and there for the person to avoid at all costs.
    First off guys I'm assuming you like girls right? Let's assume you do for the sake of argument, but for those of you who don't, wait this will come back around to you. I have never, never! met a girl in my life who thinks this is a good look. If there is a woman who wants to see your dirty Walmart boxers, and is so fashion retarded that she thinks this is a good look then immediately get on that when she wakes from her crack induced coma.
    Second I understand this is supposed to be bad ass and the gangster, criminal look but I'm betting it's hard to run from the cops with your pants around your knees. For that matter any smart criminal would see your limited running ability and make you his first target. I mean seriously if I'm looking to steal someone's wallet or Ipod I'm gonna rob the guy who can't catch me first. For the record It's not bad ass looking it's stupid looking and even old people are laughing at you. If my 90 year old grandfather is laughing at you then your probably not inspiring a lot of fear or respect.
      Lastly, and here's where we come around to the guys who don't like girls, do you losers know where this fashion (using the term loosely) comes from? It came from prison culture. When you are given your prison clothes they are not fitted and since you can't wear belts in prison the pants always sagged some, but this wasn't the end...so to speak. Taking advantage of these loose fitting garments prisoners who wanted to advertise that their ass was for sale or trade to other prisoners would wear their pants sagged to entice bubba and the boys to his cell. So all you bad ass tough guys out there are really closer to gay culture than gangster culture, so drop the tough guy act and let your freak flag fly boys you know you want to.
    

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