Apparently we raised poodles.

      Both my boys are very social.  Every parent-teacher conference we've had involved a discussion about the boys social behavior. Their need to get up and wander and to hold conversations at inappropriate times were always among the topics.
      The little one has no hang-ups about making friends, we can go anywhere and within five minutes he's fully entrenched in a half dozen new friendships. I've set him up with a couple age appropriate MMO games and I'm shocked at the fact that I get him started and walk awayand by the time I check in on him he has 200 friends!. When I jump into something like Guild Wars or Conan I'll be lucky if I feel comfortable running one quest with another player, which leaves my friends list as empty as the Buffalo Bills trophy case.
      The only time any of this becomes a problem is when company comes to the house. From the moment someone comes to door our youngest turns into one of those annoying yappy little dogs and I suddenly have to be the Kid Whisperer.
       Wherever the house guest shall go a small child will follow, so I'm just glad the bathroom door locks for their sake. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it is to sit down and have a child staring at you waiting for a biscuit and a belly rub. The actual doggy yapping though is replaced by questions and episodes of show and tell. The biting and nipping is replaced by attempts at play fighting and roughhousing, and the leg humping is, well, pretty much in tact.
       I know My older son is laughing and nodding at this, BUT, we went through the same thing with him as well. In fact on one occassion when he thought he wasn't getting enough attention from comapany he grabbed a pair of scissors, snuck up on his mother and chopped off a chunk of her hair.
      This is obviously behavior we try to discourage and despite the fact that my wife has seen every episode of "The Dog Whisperer" and "It's Me Or The Dog"...twice (groan) we haven't yet been able to break him of this behavior.
      Those of you saying "Hey, there's your problem you can't raise a kid like a dog."  well you obviously haven't raised both kids and dogs. That's why they make both baby gates and dog gates, as well as kid and dog leashes, not to mention toilet locks.Have you ever tried to keep dogs and kids from playing in the toilet? They're really not much  different are they?
      Try leaving either of them in a room with their food in reach, either way when you come back the floor is now covered in crumbs, and for that matter both will eat anything they find on the ground. How many times have you had to pull random stuff out of the mouths of dogs and kids because you're not sure what they ate.
      They both will chew on anything when they are teething and put EVERYTHING in their mouths whether it's food or not. My sister chewed the varnish of her crib and I have pictures of my oldest son eating my coffee table.
      How much time do you spend trying to toilet train them both, and until they are trained either of them will just go wherever and whenever they want,to be honest it's actually easier to toilet train a dog.
     Maybe the solution is to treat children more like dogs. I'll take them to the park to wear them out before leashing them in the yard and then crate them for the night. Also with my oldest son's social behavior I think it's time to call the vet about neutering.
      If I had to do it all again I'd just get a couple Huskies. They may not be able to do chores but at least they won't give you attitude if you ask them to.
 
     

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The Cookie Rule...Revised.

    I know for a fact my youngest son can count and very well to be honest. The one exception is the "Cookie Rule". This rule states that when mom or dad say you can have ONE cookie the child's brain translates this one into a five, and sure enough five delicious chocolate chip cookies are consumed. I may take some blame for this particular brain damage since it's the same as my "Beer Rule".
      I was completely unaware until recently that the "Cookie Rule"  had other applications, but my son is very adaptable and apparently so is the "Cookie Rule".
  When it's time to jump into the car, for even a short ride, my little one will bring something to entertain himself for the ten minutes before he falls asleep. Usually it will be his Nintendo DS or a book.
      The other day as we are heading out he decided to bring his DS and along with it a stack of ten games, boxes and all. This left him precariously balancing the DS and a foot high stack of plastic boxes while trying to get out the door.
      "No, just bring one game."
       "One? I'll be bored"
       "We'll only be gone a half hour"
        "That's too long, I'll be bored with just one."
This is coming from the kid who can watch the same episode of "iCarly" eight times...in a row.
        "I said, bring just one, besides you'll be asleep before you can get bored."
        "I'm not tired."
         "One."
He stomps off into his bedroom where there is a small commotion followed  by junior running by me and out to the car. When I get to the car there my sweet and innocent demon spawns sits with a lap full of games, five of them to be exact.
       "I thought I told you to bring one. That's not one that's five."
       ."But it's closer to one."
Running late I choose not to argue get into the car and pull into the street and sure enough I look over and he's asleep.
     

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Further proof....

      Back on July 9th I did a post stating my thoughts about the need for parent licensing and classes, you can find it in the blog archive if you missed it, or need a refresher. In any case I would like to present further proof that some people need serious help when it comes to parenting and just because you can make a child it doesn't mean you should be allowed to.
      Children are not pets, nor are they a way for you to make your stoner friends laugh, they are not a way for you to make a statement or a way to prove to the world how unique you are, and you should remember this when naming your child.
       Don't get me wrong I love different names. god knows the world has plenty of John's and Jennifer's and something a little different is a great thing, but there comes a point when you, trying to make a statement, are bordering on child abuse.
      This all became sand in my shorts when I started noticing a trend of parents throwing Y's and Q's against the wall and deciding that was a good girl name, or slamming two different names together for a boy and deciding that works. Let me tell you that making a name unpronounceable to the rest of the world does your child no favors socially or on a job hunt. What boss is going to want to hire someone whose clients can never pronounce your name or who will be a running joke in the office. Yes, that's right when you leave the room people make fun of you, I've seen it more times then I can count, along with the eye rolling and head shaking that comes when you name your child Chyniquya, Q'Antity, Uhlleejshaor, Q’ashaani-Ja’de or even Anfernee, Tay'Sh'awn and Oranjello. Just stop it these names are not names, they are not words, they are not in any way related to...anything... EVER and you are dooming your child to never rise above sales associate. Their will never be a president Taqiyya or Shantanique or Shanequa and right now the spell checker on my computer is having an aneurysm over these "real" names.
      Next come the people that think the entire rule set for the English language changes because they say so. For example the name Chyna, which I've seen a few times, is pronounced China not sha-nay. You can get mad at us all you want for mispronouncing it but it won't change the fact that your WRONG. If you make up new words and think the rest of the world should change the rules of the English language just for you then you are an egotistical lunatic.
      Speaking of breaking the rules of the English language, the first of two recent incidents that inspired me to write this came from breaking this rule. Recently a mother made an appearance at a local school so she could have a hissy fit and scream at all the teachers at this school for mispronouncing her daughter's name insisting on the stupidity and ignorance of the teachers for incorrectly pronouncing such a simple name. Now I'm going to type it here and then I want you to take a moment to pronounce it yourself....Ready.... A-ia...I'll wait you go ahead and pronounce it....................

         Anyone have a guess? Well according to psychotic mommy dearest this very simple name is pronounced - A dash ya...that's right in her world she couldn't understand why teachers well versed in the English language weren't saying the dash. apparently in her world punctuation is pronounced. so no longer is that girl you dated your ex-girlfriend she's now your ex dash girlfriend. Me personally I can apostrophe t stand stupidity exclamation point...see doesn't work does it...question mark.
        People regularly name their children after other things. Please be careful not to repeat these mistakes I've seen like Sparkle, Apple, Cinderella, Master, Budweiser, Espn, Scatman, Prada, God, Batman, Joker and Kal-El (for those of you who don't know Nic Cage named his son Kal-El which is Superman's alien name) there are many many more that would shock you but I was just giving you a small sample.
         The latest incident, the one that made me have to write this because I just couldn't take anymore involve people who choose their child's name because it's funny. I knew someone when I was younger named Rob Banks, while it was slightly amusing the play on words wasn't going to destroy his life. This may not be so for the children I'm about to mention, and I swear to you this is real. There is a local four year old boy who will proudly tell you that his name is Blue. That in and of itself isn't TOO bad. The mistake was asking for the rest of his name. This little boys full name is Blue Balls Johnson...I'm not joking. Blue has a sister as well, his sister's name is Giana which dad proudly says is pronounced jy-na, I wouldn't even ask for the middle name. I walked away in disgust. I believe naming your son Blue Balls Johnson and your daughter after her body parts is child abuse, and people like this have no right to be allowed to raise a child.
          You've now subjected these children to an entire lifetime of ridicule and abuse because you were trying to be funny. It's not funny it's sick and cruel and he should have his kids taken away.
           I love different, I tried to be different naming my kids but there are limits and there is a difference between original and cruel. There is a difference between unique spelling and making up your own rules. You may think your being clever but it's your child who has to live with it and struggle with it, so get off the ego trip and and use some common sense just like your kids will when they turn 18, change their name and never speak to you again....wait maybe they were on to something after all.

     
     
   

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I'm Batman...except...you know...straight.

      In 30 plus years I had never seen a bat, but in the last few years I've had a half dozen of them fly into my house and I spent last night tracking down and capturing yet another one and in fact it was the biggest one I've seen to this point. For those concerned, yes it was safely released back into the wild.
       I think this is a sign and I'm taking it seriously this time. Yes, that's right I'm taking the next step and changing my name to Bruce Wayne. I think I'd make an excellent Batman.
       To start with I am definitely a "child of the night". My wife says, that, combined with my hairy...everything, makes me a werewolf not Batman but hey this is my story and I'm sticking to it. I only wear dark colors, and I tend to attract psychopaths (have you met my family and my ex's?). I mean if Val Kilmer can play the caped crusader I sure as hell can. I suppose if I tried hard enough I could even do Christian Bale's ridiculous Batman voice, so why not go for it.
        I'm going to start looking for my Batcave today I figure with the real estate market what it is I can probably pick one up pretty cheap, and with low APR financing maybe even a new Batmobile.
       Tomorrow I'll put an ad out for my girl wonder...yes, GIRL-wonder. What? I'm not stupid, if I'm going to have some teenager running around in a Mardi Gras mask, boy shorts and spandex it's going to be a chick Grayson not a Dick Grayson.
      I mean I respect the original Bruce's lifestyle choice, it's just not for me. Those of you who are shocked by this thought are the same people who didn't know that Scooby-Doo was a stoner cartoon.
      Come on, Bruce has a history of bringing young boys; Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, and Tim Drake into his big mansion and making them jump around in skimpy outfits for Alfred and himself. I mean The one time he brought in a girl Robin, Stephanie Brown, Batman stripped her of the title almost immediately and refused to acknowledge her as a past robin even after her presumed death. So even though I think The original Bruce was a great role model for the gay community I'll have to do it differently.
        In fact there should be a couple more gay and lesbian superheroes, what we need less of is gay vampires. If 10% of the population is homosexual then why are 100% of vampires gay?
        When I first saw Interview with a vampire I just thought the vampires were effeminate because it was Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt playing the parts, but apparently not. Ever since Anne Rice decided that all vampires were descendants of Richards Simmons every vampire I see is gay. I watch True Blood with the wife and sure enough gay vampires everywhere. Twilight's Edward...gayest man alive and don't try and deny it, the dude sparkles like RuPaul on disco night. There is even a list of books that have gay vampires as characters that is now numbering 141, and doesn't even include the Twilight books. What's with all the vamp's coming out of the coffin suddenly. Dracula would turn over in his grave if he didnt want to avoid disturbing the Latin boy he picked up at Nathan Lane's last night. I always said that Vampires represent the feminine while Werewolves represent the masculine (Zombies represent Fox News viewers) and apparently I'm not alone in the belief.
         I don't care who or what you sleep with, I'm a strong proponent of gay rights, I was thrilled when Prop 8 was killed, and Neil Patrick Harris is one of my favorite people on the planet but enough is enough with the gay vampires...now lesbian vampires that's a different story.
      
      

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Hall of Fame Game Day.

    In honor of today being the start of pre-season football I've decided to do my Facebook Fanpage daily updates as a post. Mostly because this weeks sports news lends itself to some sarcasm. I know this isn't my normal kind of post here but I felt like doing something a little different today feel free to comment and tell me how much you hate it.

                                                       THE HALL OF FAME GAME
 Today kicks off pre-season football with the annual Hall of Fame Game. This years game could be played in San Quentin instead of Canton, Ohio since it features the Dallas Cowboys versus the Cincinnati Bengals. Two of the teams with the longest police blotters in the history of the NFL. 

       The Dallas Criminals errr Cowboys history of criminal activity started in 1970 when Lance Rentzel was arrested for indecent exposure for exposing himself to a 10 year old. He did this while he was married to famed sex symbol Joey Heatherton one of the most beautiful woman on the planet at the time. The Cowboys arrests continued through fullback Deon Anderson's arrest this year for deadly conduct for threatening a restaurant employee with a gun. 

      Other Cowboy infractions include DOZENS of drug, DUI and weapons charges. Several arrests for beating woman. There was also a few other incidents involving sexual assault and abuse of children including Rafael Septian pleading guilty to a LESSER charge of aggrivated child molestation of a 10 year old he had been accused of sleeping with. Septian's punishment was a $2000, fine not prison. The judge was a fan. Not to mention the vehicular manslaughter of two people trying to pull a driver from a burning vehicle on the side of a Dallas freeway,. I guess Dwayne Goodrich couldn't see the burning car until his BMW hit it at 110 mph, he of course fled the scene. There is not one BUT TWO cases of different Cowboy players stealing their OWN mothers life savings and many, and MANY more incidents. America's Team? Yeah I guess it's a good thing that they gave themselves that moniker isn't it.

Cincinnati though leads the league over the last 10 years with 32 arrests in that time span. That's right 32! In the last ten years, BAD KITTIES, No super bowl for you, followed by Minnesota with 30.

                                                               NASCAR's  FUTURE

       NASCAR fans still deny it's a redneck sport but...

NASCAR is touting 12 year old driver Grey Gaulding as the future of the sport. When Grey was asked about possible future accomplishments in the sport he said " You know really I don't know, but I just gotta thank my sponsor gunbroker.com." Yup, the 12 year old's sponsor sells guns-online.
       His father Dwayne was quoted "There ain't no other sponsor come along I feel comfortable with." 

Nope no rednecks here.

                                                 GO GO GREEN RANGER

      Maybe just maybe former actor Jason David Frank is a bad-ass after all. The actor who once portrayed the green power ranger in the Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger's TV show made his MMA debut this week at Texas Cage Fighting's "Puro Combate" in Houston, TX. Not only did the former actor hold his own but he "owned" his opponent beating professional boxer Jose "Garfield" Vasquez in just 46 seconds. With a rear naked choke. No rubber suited monsters and no hot pink ranger to distract the bad guy. Frank didn't stick around for interviews though as his Zord was double parked. No word on his next fight, though Lord Zedd claims that Frank is ducking him.

                                                         AND BY THE WAY

Today Brett Favre is Retired Playing Retired Playing

Albert Haynesworth finally passed Redskins conditioning test. They simplified it for him, New test was "Just run to Wendy's and get yourself a frosty...here take my car."

    

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Dream On

     Not many people have heard of Quinn Pitcock who was an All-American defensive lineman at famed Ohio State University and drafted by the Indianapolis Colts in 2007. Not many have heard of Quinn because he quit football in 2008 due to bouts of depression and video game addiction.
      I'm a gamer as well, and I have been since the day my step-father brought home a Pong console he had bought off another drunk at a bar. As much as I love games I couldn't imagine giving up my dreams for them. I imagine Pitcock had worked his way through Pee Wee's and high school then college to get to the NFL. I imagine the NFL was a dream for Pitcock.
      Everyone has dreams, I'm sure no one wanted to run a cash register or dig ditches. I had several dreams growing up. I wanted to be a race car driver until I got my license and realized I hated driving. I wanted to be an archeologist but only like Indians Jones. I wanted to be a pirate but I hate water. I wanted to be Han solo, but the whole needing a spaceship thing is ruining that. I wanted to be a Wookie and all I got was really hairy. I also wanted to play  left-wing for the Penguins. Other than being a writer my most enduring dream had been to play linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
      I couldn't wait to get to high school to start my dream. I showed up at my first high school practice so excited I could barely breathe. The first several days were nothing but running and calisthenics though. Every chance I got though I went to the coach and asked him if I could play linebacker. A couple weeks in to it coach decided we were going to have a scrimmage against the varsity. So naturally I ran up to coach and did my, let me play linebacker song and dance,  he agreed.
      All geared up and fired up I lined up for the first play. I was starting to live my dream. I flexed my fingers, snarled and watched the receiver go in motion and I listened to the QB's cadence. I saw the running back twitch and scan my side of the field, It's a running play I just new it, and I was right.
      The tight end fired off the line and came right at me, I saw him grinning like a fool just before he made contact with me . The next thing I saw was a gray August sky. Coach was kneeling over me "Harmon, you ok?" I could barely breathe so coach leaned in to hear what I was saying. "Coach, can I play tight end?"
      I still want to play linebacker for the Steelers I'm just not delusional enough to think it can still happen, but I still do have dreams, I still dream of being a writer and I am giving it one last shot. My oldest Son has always wanted to be a pro soccer player. He's still young enough to give it a shot, and I worry when he acts like he's done with his dream. He wants to get a job and start a normal boring life, I say "Son take every shot, no matter how crazy, at your dreams before you settle, or you'll regret it." I support you.
        Life is hard when you're miserable and unsatisfied. Life is impossible when you have nothing to dream about. Quinn Pitcock is in Seahawks training camp this summer giving his dream another shot. I'm here taking one too. Don't ever give up on dreams, even if an unforeseen hit changes it's direction, even that's progress, and if anyone knows where I can get a hold of a Millennium Falcon cheap please let me know.

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The first rule in the zombie survival guide is-

ALWAYS FIGHT WITH A FRIEND

THE ULTIMATE IN CO-OP GAMING

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"One's never alone with a rubber duck" - Douglas Adams

    As I stare dumbfounded at the water running across my floor I think back fondly to an hour ago when getting my nine year old into the shower seemed like a good idea. It should be a simple thing right.? I mean we all take showers every day...most of us take showers every day.
    The process begins with convincing him to take the shower. What starts as a simple request usually degenerates into a yelling of orders and stomping through the house. Once parental control is restored it is imperative that the ducky towel and it's acceptable washcloth pairing are located.
    Next comes the water preparation, and apparently my son has the skin of a burn victim since the amount of time and micro adjustments to water temperature usually involve advanced calculus and NASA instrumentation.
     Finally with the shower running and child in it we can relax...um no. The constant reminders to actually wash using shampoo and soap are absolutely necessary to avoid later arguments like "...but you never told me." and "I didn't know." As are reminders of where to wash, trust me little boys lose track of all their parts. Later in life guys don't have that problem, we never forget to wash our "parts"...usually twice.
      So I go about my business thinking the running water and the squeaking rubber duck means all is well. The sudden pitter patter of wet feet tell me different, but my investigation reveals no naked, wet children wandering about.
      Unaware of any problems I went to retrieve my child from his shower. As I approached the bathroom the horror of leaving my child unsupervised for the eternity that is 10 minutes became evident. As Noah and his ark passed by me I waved politely and climbed into the boat now docked down the hall from the bathroom and made my way to my pre-teen Poseidon.
       I followed the river to it's source and docked my boat at the bathtub. The open shower curtain still allowing a torrent of water to flow out onto the tile floor. I yelled to my child and pointed out what he had done when he left the shower for his wet walkabout, his only response was "Oh".
      Well at least when I asked him why he left the shower in the first place he had a good reason... "I don't know."

     

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My son's " League of Evil Ex's"

      My eldest son hasn't been around very much lately so I'm not getting as much good material from him (pout). So I guess I’m forced to talk about his absence, sorry buddy, it’s out of my hands.
      My son has either been with my brother or with his new girlfriend. Actually I have to check if he's still, unconvincingly, denying the relationship; even his little brother doesn't believe him. You haven't seen funny until you've see a nine year old step up to a 19 year old and say "Oh yeah, then look me in the eye and say that." followed by "Yeah, you're lying."
      I actually approve of his new "friend" (There, is that better my child?) First off she was reading my blog and such before they even started hanging out, and that's a definite plus (Heya K). Second is the fact that she can read at all, that’s a new skill amongst his girl pool.
      I always wanted him to date someone like Juno (minus the early pregnancy). Someone smart and funny and with taste that is down to earth and has a sense of self as well as self-confidence. Instead he usually goes to the other end of the Diablo Cody spectrum dating girls like Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body (minus Megan Fox’s looks). Girls who are insecure man eaters, with bad attitudes and no brain.
      I'm not one of those parents that believe no one is good enough for their kids, I just haven't approved of most of the members of my son's “League of Evil Ex's”.
      Whether his ex’s were here scouting earth before the alien invasion force arrived or had just done a stint in woman’s correctional, I always believed he could do better. Instead of aiming lower, due to his self esteem issues he really should have been looking for a girl whose family wasn’t featured in a Fox animated TV show…or a Fox reality show.
No, being on cops AND Jerry Springer DOES NOT qualify you as a television star.
No, it is not funny how much her family reminds you of the Soprano’s.
No, that is not normal behavior for a brother and sister.
No, I will not feel better about it when the penicillin clears up her “problem”.
No, it is not cool that her mom paid for her “tramp stamp”.
No, I’m not being racist; green with antennae and a mustache is NOT a race.
No, I don’t think orange jump suits are “sexy”.
      I know everyone of us can probably claim our own "League of Evil Ex's", in fact I'll bet I'm probably on someone else's list. But my son will see bright, flashing neon signs over these girls that read "EVIL" and his response will be to put on sunglasses.

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First conversation of the day.

    I had a couple seconds of my young son's valuable time this morning while in the car, before Cartoon network, Disney channel and the neighborhood's future criminals distracted him.

Dad: "So, how are you going to annoy me today?"
Son: Looking up from his book he turns to me. " What makes you think I'm going to annoy you today?"
Dad: "History, I'm just playing the odds."
Son: " Well maybe I won't. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, I haven't decided yet."

I get the feeling I'm in for a long day. When does school start again?

  


   

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76% of Americans...

    ...prefer short blogs. :)

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Books: From Scott Pilgrim to Edgar Allan Poe to my kids.

    "This is Gideon. When would it be convenient for you to die?"
     It's been 16 months since that infamous phone call to Scott Pilgrim at the end of Scott Pilgrim Volume 5. Here I sit impatiently, knowing that Amazon has shipped Volume 6, the last volume of a journey that has lasted six years. I'm excited and sad that this story is ending dispite the fact that in August these books are getting the big screen and video game treatment.
     This is due to my special relationship with books. Please forgive all the pretty links you're about to see but I want to make sure I share with all of you a passion of mine. I love books, all kinds of them from comics and graphic novels to every kind of fiction and non-fiction you can think of.
     I can't seem to get around the idea of a Kindle or a Nook. I mean I sure do get the convenience of having all your books portable on a small computer. Sure it saves on space and the books are actually cheaper, but for me it's not the same. I love the feel of a book in my hand and turning pages, I love going to a book store and picking something out and the smell and feeling when you first crack it open. Am I weird? maybe .
      My love affair with books started young, very young before kindergarten, I learned to read early and so did my kids. The first memory of my love of books was an old hardcover from 1942 call Smilin' Jack and the daredevil girl pilot. After that I soaked up anything I could get which included a lot of Spider-Man and Fantastic Four comics.
    I have great memories of going to the five and dime with my grandmother and picking out new paperbacks every week including a copy of the first Star Wars novel for 95 cents. I also remember taking books off her shelf and reading them including The original Red Dragon hard cover, which at about 13 I was way too young to read, but changed my life none the less.
    That book was probably the reason I discovered how great horror could be and the reason I discovered Stephen King. Now I own every book he's ever written, and still remember fondly my mother bringing me home a copy of The Dead Zone when I was bed-ridden with the flu. To this day Christine and The Stand along with F Paul Wilson's The Keep are still among my favorite books despite having now read hundreds.
     I was one of the few in high school who was fine with reading Shakespeare, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Outsiders. These are books I still love and if you haven't read them you really should. I carried books with me everywhere even back then, from football practice to lunch, of course I usually kept it stuck away somewhere.
     I still get a huge thrill out of discovering new authors. I recently found an author I fell in love with by the name of Gillian Flynn who's two novels Sharp Objects and Dark Places re-inspired my love of mystery novels and Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy is inspiring everyone's imagination from housewives to Hollywood, not just me.
     My house is filled top to bottom with every kind of book from Spider-Man and Star Wars to Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes. From philosophy and biographies to superheroes and axe murderers and dozens of sports books and  I think they are beautiful.
     So you're probably asking "Other than sharing an obsession Paul, what's the point?" Well, the point is my oldest son hates reading so much that he claims to be allergic to books. That's right I can't get my son to read and it kills me. He was able to read before entering kindergarten like me and his brother. When he was in second grade he passed a junior high reading test and seemed to love reading but by third grade he was way too cool for books.
    I've made deals with him, offered him allowance based on reading not chores, and of course threatened  and harassed him to no avail. I've bought him books for every interest he's shown from basketball and soccer to Halo. The boy has actually talked himself into allergies from reading. Seriously, how do you give yourself hives from reading. I had a moment of hope In the bookstore the other day when he actually showed interest in a book ...called "Asshole-ology: The science behind getting your way- and getting away with it". The moment was over. I'm sad because it's a long way from the same kid who asked to be read The Sheep Who Was Allergic to Wool and the Monster at the End of this book  every single night over and over. I still have some hope as my youngest seems to want to read and has two books going right now, but it's a little touch and go.
    Reading is important to me and my wife, who herself goes through books like tic tacs. Not just because we know the simple joy that a book can bring but because we also understand how it can help your brain continue to grow and how books can actually help your vocabulary and articulation which are very important for quality social interaction and your future in the job market. Want to impress a potential employer? Then try being able to communicate like a grown-up with a brain versus going into an interview saying "S'up man, g'head axe me sum things." Seriously that happened...needless to say his application was in the trash before he was out the door.
     Please continue to read and encourage your children to do so. My best friend is doing an incredible job on this front with his daughter and she's a brilliant, articulate, and amazing little girl. No bad can possibly come from it. Unless maybe your terrified of paper cuts or The Monster at the End of the Book.

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The car ride blues

    When my youngest son was still just a wee pain in the butt, y'know diapers, bottles and the such, driving anywhere with him was a nightmare. It wouldn't take long after putting him in his car seat before he would start screaming, red faced and tear covered.
    We tried everything, getting a bigger and more comfy car seat, blocking the wind, the sun, and alien microwaves. We tried turning the radio off and on as well as every type of music. We tried toys and juice and crackers leaving my car covered in sticky crumbs. It didn't matter what we did any car ride meant dealing with my son screaming like a Crystal Lake camper, or like me the day they canceled Firefly (side note if you didn't revel in the greatness of Firefly I curse you).
    Flash forward a few years (By the way Flash Forward is another great show that got canceled what the hell are you people watching out there anyway?) Now this same child who tortured his loving and patient parents (loving and patient means frazzled and wore down for you non-parents) this same child to whom a ten minute car ride meant ten minutes of torture and horror, to this exact same child this exact same ten minutes now means nap time. That's right inevitably any car ride that lasts ten minutes will Now...NOW put my son sound asleep. Seriously this is the definition of a cosmic joke on parents.
    At nine months old a car ride meant misery at nine years old it means nap time, go figure. Then again as a child my oldest was quiet and sweet and a complete angel, now as an "adult" if I can get him to stop whining and complaining for 30 seconds it's either because he wants something or he's eating. I guess my kids are backwards, I'm sure it's their mother's fault.

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I Hate Pants!

    First off to clarify for my much beloved British readers I understand that in the Queens English pants means underwear but I mean Jeans, slacks, trousers, strides, kex, kegs, breeches, breeks or trews not underwear. Now back to the subject, my pants.
     I hate pants. I hate them so much that first thing I do when I come into the house is take them off, sometimes before my coat of even my shoes, which by the way reminds me I hate falling on my face too. The sooner I can get into something comfortable like sweats or shorts (even in the middle of winter) the better.
      I don't know exactly where this hatred of  "bottom wear" came from. I never had any traumatic pant experiences I was never abused or violated by pants I just know that they seem unnatural to me like ties and jewelry do.
     Pants didn't even become a standard clothing until the 16th century, and can be traced back to Iranian Scythians, and Achaemenid Persians (the Middle East to simplify). So we've only been wearing pants for about 25% of modern human history. I am seriously looking forward to the day some rapper decides to wear robes, tunics or kilts and they become the height of fashion. Wouldn't Sean John or South Pole brand kilts be great?
      For that matter neckties really started during the Thirty-Years War (1618-1648) when Croatian mercenaries  in French service wore traditional neckerchiefs which caught the attention of Parisians. Colored neckerchiefs and Paris fashion...hmmm doesn't sound very manly to me.
      My poor children have to endure issues regarding my trouser hatred as well since it has inspired some weird house rules. For example if you are wearing jeans or slacks you can't go barefoot. If you want to be sock-less you must be pant-less and go put on shorts or sweats. Also no white pants after Labor day because that's just tacky. Most Importantly NO sagging pants.
     Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this fashion disaster. This is not a good look, this is not a cool look the only advantage it has, is that it immediately makes it obvious who the douche bag in the room is, and there for the person to avoid at all costs.
    First off guys I'm assuming you like girls right? Let's assume you do for the sake of argument, but for those of you who don't, wait this will come back around to you. I have never, never! met a girl in my life who thinks this is a good look. If there is a woman who wants to see your dirty Walmart boxers, and is so fashion retarded that she thinks this is a good look then immediately get on that when she wakes from her crack induced coma.
    Second I understand this is supposed to be bad ass and the gangster, criminal look but I'm betting it's hard to run from the cops with your pants around your knees. For that matter any smart criminal would see your limited running ability and make you his first target. I mean seriously if I'm looking to steal someone's wallet or Ipod I'm gonna rob the guy who can't catch me first. For the record It's not bad ass looking it's stupid looking and even old people are laughing at you. If my 90 year old grandfather is laughing at you then your probably not inspiring a lot of fear or respect.
      Lastly, and here's where we come around to the guys who don't like girls, do you losers know where this fashion (using the term loosely) comes from? It came from prison culture. When you are given your prison clothes they are not fitted and since you can't wear belts in prison the pants always sagged some, but this wasn't the end...so to speak. Taking advantage of these loose fitting garments prisoners who wanted to advertise that their ass was for sale or trade to other prisoners would wear their pants sagged to entice bubba and the boys to his cell. So all you bad ass tough guys out there are really closer to gay culture than gangster culture, so drop the tough guy act and let your freak flag fly boys you know you want to.
    

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Lost In Translation #9

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THE TABLE UNTIL YOU EAT THAT.

Example:
               Parent: I don't care how much you hate broccoli you're not leaving the table until you eat it. There are starving children in (insert African country here) who would kill for what you have.
              Child: Fine, I'll get a box, you get the stamps and we'll send it to them.

             Parent's Definition: You will sit there and eat that, there is nothing wrong with it. I'm not throwing it and wasting money.
               Child's Definition: Will you please leave the room so I can 1) Hide this in my napkin. 2) Feed it to the dog. 3) Run to the bathroom and flush it. 4) Hide your horrible undercooked french fries under my bed. (Side note, that last one was mine. It didn't work out too well. Sorry Mom.)

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It's a bird eat bird world.

    My youngest son was sitting in the driveway against the car when suddenly a hawk grabs a pigeon and lands just feet from where he was sitting and proceeds to de-feather his fellow bird without realizing  my son was there. In a state of shock at having a 3 foot tall bird sit down next to him for his squab dinner my son ran to get me. Eventually the hawk tired of it's audience and flew into the tree in front of our house.
     This is when it dawned on me that we owned a camera and I managed a few shots of the hawk enjoying his dinner including this one I snapped just before he carried it off to devour it elsewhere, leaving my driveway and front sidewalk scattered with feathers.
     It wasn't until I took a good look that I realized it wasn't just any disease and mite filled vermin the hawk was eating but my very favorite winged scum that had been residing on my garage roof all spring. I had named him Pigeon Patel and watched daily as he fed off the neighbors garbage and crapped on everything it came near. Ah well I hope the hawk enjoyed his meal of sky rat and R.I.P. Pigeon Patel.

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Bad Parent ! No Children for you!

    You need a license to drive a car, own a gun, or go fishing, even your dog needs a license and without a permit you can't put up a fence on your own property but the most important thing we do on this planet is done with no training, manual or certificate. Anybody, whether they want to or not, can make a kid and attempt to raise it.
    As parents we all make mistakes and question our decisions, most of us do the best we can, but not everyone can say the same. The amount of child abuse and neglect that exists is overwhelming. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations in the United States, and the numbers are not dropping. Most of us are aware that these scumbags exist and  would do what we could to help, but these are just the most obvious examples of bad parenting.
     Most of us just shake our head in disgust at the lesser offenses like unsupervised children running wild, or kids that are disrespectful and vulgar to adults. We do nothing because there is not really much we can do. These are examples of parents who can't be bothered to spend the time raising their kids and teaching them the proper way to act.
    So what I suggest is simple, I believe that you should be required to have a license in order to have a child. It wouldn't be that complicated. Start it in high school and have a class in "life skills and child rearing" be mandatory and comprehensive, and not just a glossing over of subject matter. If these classes aren't passed or the person leaves high school before finishing then a longer program that incurs a charge has to be taken. This may also be a slight incentive to stay in school longer. Under the best of circumstance it may also be a slight deterrent to teen pregnancy if the punishment is considered.
    If you bring a child into the world without having your license then you are given mandatory community service every week until you complete your course. Under the best case scenario the community service would include working in child, spousal, and animal abuse, substance abuse, prisons, and social services. In short places where you can see the result of not having good life skills. Failure to attend your community service can result in fines, imprisonment or temporary placement of children in another home, whether it be a relative or foster home.
   Also if you go on welfare your license is suspended until you can get on your feet and take care of your own children. Things happen to everyone, and people need help, and I understand that, but there's no reason that you should be bringing MORE children into the world if you can't afford them and then expecting others to pay for them. In cases of abuse and criminal activity your license can of course be taken away.
    As far as the cost for this, there is no reason the country couldn't end up in the black on this. Teen pregnancy costs us money, so does welfare parents who add to their family, and the mandatory community service would be a definite benefit for programs that are government funded. Teaching proper parenting and life skills could eventually reduce the number of people in prison or new welfare enrollments  which cost this country a fortune. Having to pay for licensing if you dropped out or had your license revoked, and fines are all positive cash flow. Child abuse cases cost this country millions to pursue, if licensing stopped only 1% of that abuse that would be 60,000 less children abused, the benefit of that goes way beyond monetary but the money saved as well is undeniably huge.
    As a country we can not afford economically or socially to allow our greatest asset, it's people, to be less then great yet we continue to raise generations of children who have no respect for peoples lives and property, children who enter lives filled with drugs, crime and abuse who in turn continue the circle with their own children. We are destroying our country from within, rotting at the core so to speak. Maybe it's time to teach people how to be responsible for themselves and their children, whether they like it or not.
   
    
   

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Lost In Translation #8

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

Example:
                Parent: How did that lamp get broken? Tell me the Truth.
                 Child: Timmy did it.
                Parent: So your six month old brother crawled from his crib, knocked the lamp from the table with your football and then crawled back into his crib?
                Child:  He's very advanced for age. It speaks well of your child rearing abilities mother.

Parent's Definition: Give me an honest answer.
  Child's Definition:  Quick make something up.
 

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Happy fourth of July.

    Happy 4th everyone. I hope you are all out enjoying the day, celebrating our beautiful country's birthday and not reading this...until later of course. Everything in America is not perfect of course. We are still dealing with some horrible things afflicting our great nation, Like a two front war, a horrible economy, the Gulf oil leak, Rush Limbaugh and Twilight fans.
    Despite these blights to our country we should still take some time today to celebrate being Americans. Pride is an uplifting thing. Pride in out work, our children, our young soldiers, or our country all give us reason puff our chest and feel good for a little while. So go out eat too many hot dogs, drink some crappy beer and ooh and ahh at the fireworks, just don't forget why your celebrating. Cheers to America your not getting older, your getting wiser...we all hope.
     Now that I got that out of the way, what the hell is the fascination with making things go bang. The little morons in my neighborhood will spend the next week setting off fireworks until 2 am and have no real understanding of what the point was in the first place. By little morons I mean grown adults who not only should know better (fireworks are illegal here) but apparently have such low IQs that they can be completely amused by making noise, not unlike most infants.
    If your life is so boring that spending anytime, let alone a week setting off fireworks entertains you than maybe you are in need of a hobby. I suggest something really dangerous. In the mean time get the hell out of my gene pool because no amount of chlorine will help the rest of us while you're wading in the shallow end.
    Have a great weekend people. Please play safe, stay off the road if your having any adult beverages, and be sure to take a few minutes to REALLY think about what your celebrating.

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Instruction Set #2: Cleaning your room.

    I haven't written anything in the last couple of days and it wasn't my intention to neglect this space. In fact I have an excuse. I walked into my oldest son's bedroom and mistakenly took a wrong turn at dirty laundry mountain, so I found myself lost in the wilderness without supplies. I spent the last 2 days battling my way out. I barely survived but luckily there was food and drink scattered all over so I didn't have to worry about dying of thirst or starvation.
    For those of you that have children who will clean their room or anything else without being yelled at...I hate you. I am not so lucky though. My children are the only kids I know who can be sent to clean their room and emerge from the bowels of Hell four days later with their room in worse shape than when they entered.
     I decided to write this instruction set as a "love" letter to my oldest boy. Sorry son but having a dozen scientists set up camp in your room looking for "New species" and analyzing "Unusual formations of molds and fungi." was the last straw. I should have known something was up when the cockroaches took you to court for being a slumlord and the rats moved to a safer neighborhood....downtown Detroit.

CLEANING YOUR ROOM
   1) Use common sense. If your room is dirty clean it.
      Warning signs that your room is dirty and needs to be cleaned might include The following. (These are REAL by the way not jokes)
         A) The need to create a path through the laundry and garbage to get to your bed.
         B) My sister panicked that she might not be able to find her cat or he might be injured because he ran into your room.
         C) Your out of socks and underwear but the laundry is done.
         D) Coming across clothes on the floor that you forgot you had and are now not just out of style but actually fit your baby brother.
         E) I post a photo of your room on Facebook and to the disbelief of everyone it's worse than I described.
   2)  When cleaning your room the underneath of your bed is indeed part of your room.
   3) The corners of the room as well as the underside of your bed are NOT acceptable locations to "Put Away" you things.
   4) Stacking contraband junk food in the corner under dirty clothes is not only a bad way to hide it from your parents but probably a bit unsanitary.
   5) Pick up the returnable bottles scattered around your room. There is money in those that could have been yours but is now mine. On a completely unrelated note you guys should see the new DVD player I bought with...um...spare change.
  6) Vacuum your room as well. No that is not the color of your rug and no the fact that it looks like it's moving is not some "weird visual effect".
  7) When your light bulb needs to be changed, do it. Do not sit in the dark and tell me you "Like it this way". Although the mushrooms we were able to harvest from the cave-like enviroment were a money saver.
  8) When your sheets and blankets are dirty do not strip the bed and sleep on the bare mattress. Feel free to put new ones on the bed. I am not buying the excuse that you're re-enacting scenes from the prison drama "OZ".
  9) Yes, that is dust and no, it isn't cool that you can write your name in it.
10) I don't care how big it is! Just kill it quick before it eats your brother!

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Lost in Translation #7

I DON'T WANT YOU SEEING HIM/HER:

Example:
               Parent: I don't want you seeing that Melissa girl, her and her family are nothing but trouble. Isn't she wanted by homeland security?
                 Child: That was a misunderstanding, she was just holding the explosives for her mother.

Parent's Definition: My child will not date, associate with, talk to or have contact with the person in question.
     Child's Definition: I'm saving every penny I can beg, borrow or steal to buy them an engagement ring.
Child's Definition #2:  Mom, Dad....I'm pregnant.


 

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Short term memory

    Yesterday my 9 year old was in my bedroom playing some Madden. While he was doing that I was working on the computer in the kitchen.
    Screams of joy and elation burst from the bedroom, my son is jumping up and down and cheering himself horse. "Yeah!" and "Woo hoo!" and other things that sound like "did you see that?" "Touchdown!" and something about Roethlisberger stream out of the bedroom for an unnaturally long time. The jumping is rattling nick knacks and my nerves. So I holler into the bedroom "ok boy that's enough, you can calm down now!" Which he does to my amazement. Wow, he actually listened, so I check the calendar, nope not my birthday.
     A few minutes pass and I finish up what I was doing and go into the bedroom to check up on my son who is still playing Madden and is using the Steelers to put a whooping on the hated Baltimore Ravens, I'm very proud.
    Swelling with this fatherly pride I ask my son about his outburst.
"Did you score a hundred yard touchdown or something?"
"No."
"So what happened?"
"When?"
"A few minutes ago boy."
"What are you talking about."
"When you were screaming and cheering and jumping up and down"
"About what dad?"
"That's what I'm asking you."
"I don't know what you're talking about dad."
"Oh my god, just a few minutes ago you were screaming and yelling and jumping."
"About what?"
"That's what I want to know."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
AAAARRRRGGGGGG!
You will never convince me my children aren't conspiring to drive me crazy.

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Lost in Translation #6

TURN THAT DOWN.

           Example:
                          Parent: Turn that down! I'm trying to watch something
                           Child: What!?

    Parent's Definition: Lower the volume on your stereo so that I can NOT hear it.
      Child's Definition: I will lower the volume by one. What? why are you looking at me like that? I turned it down like you asked.
 Child's Definition #2: WHAT!?

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Do you need anything?

    Today is the last day of school before summer vacation for my youngest. My wife being the good mother that she is has been asking the boy for a week about any end of school year parties or activities. "Are you having a party?" and "Do you need any snacks for the last day?" were among the questions asked on a daily basis for a week. Inevitably the answer was always "No".
    Yesterday evening upon leaving the house I mentioned that I was going to the store and asked the demon spawn I lovingly refer to as my children if we needed anything. Again the answer was "No". 
    After dinner we all sat in the living room watching some Doctor Who, a personal favorite of my children. I was feeling good. It had been a decent day, the children were content, and I was reveling in the fact that for one last night I could send the kids to bed early under the guise that tomorrow was still a school day. My last peace for more than two months.
    Sometime after 8:30 p.m. my youngest sits bolt upright on the couch, a distressed look claims his face. A panicked and shaky voice asks "Dad, can you get me a snack for my party tomorrow?"
Yet another mini-stroke rattles dad.
    You will never convince me my children aren't holding clandestine weekly meetings where they think up new ways to mess with dad.
    
   

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USA

   I'm inspired to take a break from the normal format of this blog to be amazed, to be a fan. If you were unfortunate enough to miss the USA-Algeria game this morning then I feel sorry for you because you just missed a great moment in USA sports history.
   After a second horrible call by refs against USA in this World Cup it looked a little dark for us. A bad Offside call took a goal away from USA. A game of back and forth non-stop attack by both teams resulted in chance after chance, dramatic near misses over and over.
    Going into stoppage time score still 0-0 and USA being 4 minutes of stoppage time away from going home, eliminated and cheated by referees TWICE, the Yanks never quit, never gave up, and never stopped believing.
   With two minutes left in stoppage, the game, and the World Cup for USA a relentless attack changed the World Cup.  A shot and a rebound gave USA biggest soccer star Landon Donovan saw the game slow to a stop as he slammed the ball into the back of the net for a 1-0 win. In the matter of 2 minutes USA changed their fate from going home the team that was cheated out of a chance, and as always the lovable losers to being the team that WON their group topping even mighty England for the spot.
    I wanted both USA and England to go through and they did. USA just did it as Americans do when they are at their best;dramatically. Like an amazing and inspiring Hollywood movie USA did what they do best, shock the world.

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Lost in Translation #5

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF.

                 Example:
                                Parent: When you are done eating clean up after yourself.
                                 Child: Mumbles something incoherent while stuffing their face with macaroni and cheese.

           Parent's Definition: When you are done with what you are doing completely clean the area you are using and have dirtied.
             Child's Definition: I will pick up one obvious thing so it looks like I tried while not actually putting any effort into cleaning up my mess, that includes the food they dropped all over the floor.
              Notes: Pointing out that they left this mess will only be met with the phrase "I didn't see it." which makes me wonder if all children do not suffer from selective blindness.

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Happy Fathers Day

    Just wanted to drop a quick note and say Happy Fathers day to all the dads. Thanks to all the mom's who are going to make the day special for all of us, and thanks to the kids for all the ties, home made cards, and clay ashtrays even though we don't smoke.
     Have a great day Dad's you've earned it, well most of you.

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Saturday Morning

    So much has changed since I was a kid. Sadly there is a lot that my children will never get to experience. Who would have thought something as simple as those great Saturday mornings would be one of them.
    I remember so vividly waking up early on Saturday, wiping the sleep from my eyes and plodding to the living room in my Spider-Man pajamas. By the way I still occasionally sleep in Spider-Man boxers, eat your heart out ladies.
    First thing I'd do was turn on the TV before grabbing my bowl of Lucky Charms (OK, SOME things never change) and plop down for a great morning of cartoons. The charm of those days are undeniable.
      Some of you remember Saturday morning cartoons right? Now there are more than a half dozen whole networks dedicated to 24hour a day cartoons but no more great network toons on Saturday morning.  All those channels feeding non-stop kiddie-crack is just not the same as those mornings that we saw as our special time.
      I still smile wide if someone remembers 70s cartoons such as the Krofft shows like Electra Woman and Dyna-girl, or Land of the Lost. Holly Marshall with those pigtails, plaid shirt and bell-bottoms, was very hot to a 6 year-old, in fact she was my first imaginary girlfriend. I've grown up since then of course, now Angelina Jolie is my new imaginary girlfriend, unless Felicia Day or Megan Pryce are reading this, then...Hey, how you doin'? 
    what about Wonderbug. Come on whats not to love about a cartoon starring a magical VW Beetle, just awesome. Who doesn't laugh at the call of Captain Caveman! or its concept of being Charlie's Angels with a caveman. Not to mention the epic Super Friends and Josie and the Pussycats. Anyone remember The Secrets of Isis and Shazam! live action?
      Do you really think ours kids are gonna have those kind of fond memories of Chowder or Adventure Time. I highly doubt it, in fact most modern cartoons are so disgusting that I'm offended watching them. It's not just my sensibilities that are offended but my intelligence as well. How many snot jokes can you fit into a half hour anyway? Not to say that there are no good cartoons in recent memory. In fact I thought that Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends was fantastic.
      The 80's was a little harder because my sister was old enough to fight for TV time. So as much as I loved Transformers, GI Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Real Ghostbusters she had her own ideas. I mistakenly thought that being older and bigger it would be no problem to get my way. I highly underestimated the power of my sisters right foot. To this day I am amazed that I was able to have children.
    After one of her power kicks the TV would eventually end up on something like Strawberry Shortcake, Smurfs or Snorks not to mention Rainbow Brite, and Pound Puppies. We did eventually agree on shows like My Pet Monster and K.I.D.S. Incorporated though.
       There was of course the king of cartoons, pound for pound still the greatest animation in the history of Saturday mornings and beyond. The Warner Brothers Looney Tunes. Was anything better ever created than that catalog of toons?  Bugs Bunny along with Spider-Man are still heroes to me. 
    Bugs, Daffy, Wile E Coyote and Road Runner...Beep Beep Zoooom. Taz, Marvin the Martian, Porky, Sylvester and Tweety all still rule the cartoon kingdom in my opinion, and even these greats have disappeared from the Saturday morning schedule and it breaks my heart.
      Saturday morning and it's simple charms is just one of many things that have disappeared from our children's lives, and it's a shame. My neighborhood no longer has daily pick-up baseball games, or even a paperboy. It makes me sad to see simple things that were part of American life fade away and be forgotten.
       So next time your children are watching some lame Nick or Cartoon Network show that has more body function references than a Kevin Smith movie, take a moment to mourn for what your children are missing and what you had the honor of enjoying. So until next time...Th...Th...That's All Folks!

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Lost in translation #4

BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Example:
               Parent: Go to bed.
                 Child: Why?
               Parent: Because I said so.
                 Child : That's not fair.

Parent's Definition: I don't know why, it's just what I want and I'm the parent damn it.
  Child's Definition: They Don't have a reason they are just mean.

ACTUAL Translation Of above example:
                Parent: Go to bed.
                 Child: Why?
                Parent: Because me and your father want to break out the handcuffs and ball gag and we can't until your ass in bed. Now hurry Momma needs a spankin'.
                  Child: You don't have a reason, you're just mean.

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Lost in Translation #3

NOT A MINUTE LATER:

Example:
                Child: Mom, I'm going to Jenny's house for a while.
               Parent: Ok but I want you home by 10 and not a minute later.

Parent's Definition: My child will be in this house before the clock strikes 10, and I don't mean 5 seconds before either. 
Child's Definition: Well it's already 10 o'clock so I might as well stay longer, I wouldn't want to disobey and be a minute late.

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