The mandatory bad driver article.

    Every essayist, writer, comedian and columnist has to do "the bit" about bad drivers. It's the law people so just deal with it, seriously look it up.
    The most common complaint is of course about women drivers, especially slow women. This has not been my experience at all. Take my sister for example. Her car no longer has any usable handles on the passenger side. They have all been ripped off by people clutching them in a death grip when she takes a corner. On the other side of the coin is my step-father who is a muscle car enthusiast but is regularly cussed out by Amish in horse drawn carts and aged Asian woman pulling rickshaws.
    In fact I can't count the times that I've been driving down the road doing 60MPH in a 50 zone and some young lady blows by me beeping and throwing me the finger for going to slow. I don't get mad though, in fact I will follow them, after all I need to be able to tell my wife where that to-die-for shoe sale is. Of course she was in a hurry, those sexy, strappy, black pumps that are like the other seven pairs she owns aren't going to be there long. Yeah I went there, What are you gonna do about it?
    I told my wife that my next wife was going to be The Little Mermaid so I wouldn't have to worry about the shoe thing. And she is kinda hot.

    One of the things that will make my wife cringe and duck for cover in preparation of the stream of obscenities I'm about to spew forth is pick-up trucks. I apologize in advance to friends and family that drive them but facts are facts. There seems to be some sort of weird brain-suck that happens when someone steps into a pick-up, they suddenly become stupid (if they weren't already.)
    I'm not just talking about the drunk woman who slammed into my back end or the guy who took out my left fender because he "forgot to stop" or even the guy who crushed my front end because he didn't think the DO NOT ENTER sign meant him. All driving pick-ups. I'm talking about the general dumb-ass, and the red-neck who have bumper stickers that say STUPID things like "Guns don"t kill people I do." or "I support George W Bush." I know those are supposed to be funny but they aren't so just stop it. Someday I'm going to have to explore the connection between pick-ups, Republicans and the need to murder furry creatures.
    I always wanted to strangle the guys at work who would pull their pick-ups in backwards having the bed completely covering the walkway and then get pissed at you when you asked them to move so the rest of the world could get in. I had to be careful though. I didn't want them to go pull their guns out of the back window with the rebel flag on it, shoot me and then brag to their friends about what amazing sportsmen they are.
    What really kills me though are the city dwellers with the pick-ups. What's the point? ok you live in an apartment complex do you need it so you can go fence the back 40? Is it so you can carry the bales of hay for your cattle? Or is it so you can throw on your John Deere cap, grab your 12 pack of Buuuud, and pack of smokes and convince the people at the fast food joint where you work that the reason you can't read is because your a red-neck?
      I've asked these urbanites about owning farm vehicles and the usual answer is something like "Well, if people need to move or something it comes in handy." Hello! see, stupid. Instead of spending one weekend a month carrying furniture for people you haven't seen since high school  wouldn't it be easier to have the conversation go something like this.
"Hey buddy long time no see, I'm in the process of moving. What are you doing this weekend by the way?"
"Sorry I can't help you I drive a Neon."
    Why would you encourage people to ask you to give yourself a hernia loading their appliances in the back of your vehicle for the promise of a warm beer and cold pizza.

    I have a personal pet peeve that needs to be passed along. When you are driving down the road and turn into a parking lot, FINISH the turn BEFORE you start searching for a parking spot with your ass still in the lane and squealing brakes and crushing metal sounding behind you. Just pass this along if you would, Thanks.

    Apparently there is a need for a law against texting while driving. That should be a joke in and of itself but apparently this is a huge problem. My personal thought is this law is for the same people we need to add "Do not use in the bathtub" to a toasters instruction manual.
    Would you ever drive down the road reading a novel? or writing a letter? How do we allow these people to even have a license? There should be a conditional "Stupid Clause" attached so you can be stripped of you license if you're too stupid to be trusted with a one ton killing machine (Refer to the pick-up paragraphs).
    There is also a law against talking on cell phones while driving in a lot of places (that no one follows). I kinda get if the phone rings you answer it, we are all conditioned to that but I constantly see these woman talking away laughing and joking, holding conversations and I can't figure it out. I mean what the hell is SOOO damn important that we need to have a conversation while driving? What did we do a decade ago before every 3 year old had their own cell phone? What is so important that it can't wait until you get home? Oh, I get it. It's that girl who blew by me earlier at 80MPH telling her friend about the new shoes. Ok never mind then, as long as it's REALLY important.
      Drive safe you knuckleheads that's no joke. Some of us just want to make it home to the people we love...and our families :)
    

   
   
   
   
     

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